Still, it continues

Got a new plan that I am going to start on Sunday. I'm going to do the 2468 diet, starting with 200 cals on Sunday, 400 on Monday, 600 on Tuesday and 800 on Thursday, then fast on Friday. I'll start it all over again and do three cycles of it. I'm a little worried about eating 800 calories and might tweak that to 600 or something.

I'm sort of out of my insane, mental, sad mode. I don't know for how long but its nice to feel something other then what I have been lately. I think the whole breakdown I had was much needed or something. All I know is I don't want it coming back so I'm gonna be working not only on my body but also on my mind, if that makes any sense. I can't really explain at the moment, I don't even know entirely what I mean but once I do, I'll be sure to document it here.

Trying to breath again

I cry even as I type. When will this end? Its always the same. Either I'm filled with self loathing and disgust, sadness, anger, depression, all directed towards myself.. Or I feel nothing at all. Just this all consuming nothing, which makes me want to cut and hurt myself more. I can't stop, no matter how hard I try. I have no one to turn to. There is Kevin, as I have mentioned in other posts but he is high as fuck right now and probably wouldn't give a shit about me anyways. Who could?

I'm such a fucked up mess. And apparently fuck is the word of the night... I'm sorry, for all the cussing. I'm just so sick of crying. This pain and sadness, this nothingness. Yet, I can't make it stop. No matter how hard I try. I'm really alone. Despite my allusions of friends and Kevin. I can never really turn to them like I need to. There is only the readers of this blog, and that helps...more than I thought it would. It doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do but writing this stuff down keeps me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.

What can I say

I'm doing well...I think. I haven't eaten in a few days... ended up eating a yogurt today but that is all. I haven't had much time to get on here. Haven't had any time to myself and that is driving me insane.. I need time to myself.

I had a major breakdown on Friday... ended up cutting myself AT MY COLLEGE! I always keep a knife with me just as a sort of odd comfort thing but I never really intended to use it. I'm a sick person, I know. But I had to do it... I got that itching feeling under the skin again.

I don't even know what set me off in the first place. I just felt this all consuming emptiness again and I needed to cut...

The sun shines never the less

Well, I have managed to fast all day today and I think i am going to fast all day tomorrow too. I need to get all this guilt out of me. I really think I can fast, I won't be seeing my boyfriend so he won't be pushing me to shove fat down my throat. My parents don't give a shit. My dad is too high and my step mom works too much. My brothers don't pay attention. Sometimes I'm thankful for a dysfunctional family, as fucked up as that sounds.

I cut last night, pretty deep cuts, they are going to take forever to heal. I can't let Kevin see them, he would kill me. Or break up with me again. I love him but I can't see this working out unless I get better. I'm such a burden to him, he says I'm not but I know I am. He gets so pissed when i cut.

But that doesn't really matter too much right now. I managed to fast and I'm going to continue tomorrow. I'm just going to try to take this one day at a time rather than planning for a whole week. Tomorrow I will plan my intake and exercise for the next day and so on. I hope I can manage to be less of a failure.

Ugh

I'm such a fat fuck! I have eaten so much! I can't even stick to what I want! I had to break and eat those damn chips! And of course that lead to more food... I ate 1,236 calories!!!! Can you believe it! I ended up crying my eyes out because of it. I hate myself. I can't even type about it without feeling intense self loathing.

Finally, I can smile

I have been doing very well so far. I have managed to work out at least an hour a day, doing core workouts as well as thighs, glutes and arms. I would do an hour of some thigh or core workout (I usually use one of those tacky 90's workout videos because they are funny and make me laugh and, lets face it, its so hard to find something that makes me smile anymore) then I go on the bike for half an hour, sometimes more if i feel the need. Things seem to finally be working out.

I have also been eating a piece of toast or yogurt every morning... well almost every morning because it can get the metabolism started for the day. Then I stick to 300-500 cals after that. It seems to be working well, though I admit, I haven't weighed myself yet... I'm kind of terrified to. I will soon though. I wish I could type more, but I have a lot to do. stay strong :)

I need this, I need this more than anything

How could I have let myself get this way? When did I start to get fat and ugly? When did I start this whole self destructive thing I have been doing for the past three years now? Am I really psycho and insane?

It gets so confusing... I want to be normal so much. I don't want to care about what I eat, how many calories something has or what days I will restrict and how much exercise I will get. But no matter how much I want to be normal... I want to be thin more. I need to be thin. I have known this life for far too long and the thought of anything different is just so terrifying.

I need to lose weight, I need to be thin and beautiful in order to have any self worth. And I WILL be skinny! I am going to work day and night for it! I can't be a fat lard ass for the rest of y life and I know I have the strength and the ability to get to 98 pounds and I fully intend to do that! I have been losing focus and I can't allow that to happen. I will have to work twice as hard.

Loving you is harder than you know

Why must I always be such a fuck up? I have been bingeing non-stop for days. Kevin is leading me on and I am letting him. He says he isn't sure if he wants to date me but we act like we are dating when nobody else is around. He texts and talks about other girls all the time, knowing that it makes me jealous. I have a feeling he is using me... well more than just a feeling but I can't help but want to be with him. It has always been him. Even when I talked about Bret, Anthony and Cody. I just had to try and forget him, so I threw myself at other guys.

I just hope he won't leave me. I couldn't stand that. I have already been cutting and bingeing like crazy. I'm not happy and I can't change it unless I'm with Kevin... he makes me feel whole. I actually feel so happy with him. I know, in the long run this is just going to completely destroy me but I'm not willing to stop it.

Hate is such a strong word, love is too but we have no problem throwing that word about

I can't stop hating myself. I keep thinking of all my mistakes. I used to be able to find at least one redeeming quality, yet now, all I see are mistakes. I see things I could have done better, things I could have said, should have said. Things I shouldn't have done or said at all.

I carpool up with Kevin everyday for my classes... I see him often and I rely on him more than I ever care to admit. I know he will never be with me again and I couldn't ever deserve it anyways. I was so selfish and stupid. Clingy and more than a little too trusting. I keep trying to forget about him but how can I forget about someone I see on a daily basis? Of course I need to stop being such a whore, meaning no more fucking him, no more texting or flirting. From now on, I will refuse to think of him as often as I have been lately. I will try to forget about him as I have been trying to for the past few months.

And to top it off I fucking BINGED!!! I'm a fat, disgusting whore! Ugh, I gross myself out. I don't deserve the love I tend to go on about so often in this rather whiny blog. I disgust myself.

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more

I suppose I am smarter than I originally thought. I didn't do anything with Cody. I am ignoring him completely. He never liked me enough to really want anything but sex from me. Besides, I'm still stuck on Bret.. and maybe a bit on Kevin if truth be told.

I just wish I could meet someone who loved me for me. Who could take the ugly along with the few good things. Who am I kidding, though? How can I expect anyone to love me for me when I am too afraid to be myself around anyone... I mean the last time I was with someone who knew everything about me was Kevin and look how that ended. I'm too afraid to open up to anyone and even if I did, whose to say he will stay? There are suitors of course, but none that I can see myself with. Bret was one I might have been able to be with but now he keeps a safe but friendly distance. I can't say I blame him, I mean it's me. Doesn't stop me from being hurt by it, no matter how much I try to ignore it and act like its ok.

I just wish I could find someone who wasn't just in it for sex.. I mean, I know I can be promiscuous, but that's usually when I feel like complete shit about myself or when I really like the guy. I think that's why i liked Bret so much, he never tried to have sex with me, he seemed to genuinely like my company, apparently not enough, though.

Now, Kevin is texting me, asking to send him naked pictures. Why is it that when I get rid of one guy, another one comes along and the one I want seems to want nothing to do with me? Ugh, things are always so irritatingly complicated. I don't even know why I bother.Things would be so much easier if I were dead, but I can never bring myself to do it. No matter how much I starve or cut. Well, I feel pretty crappy, luckily my text buddy and I are doing a three day liquid fast. It is just what I need to start feeling a little better about myself. I need to get to my ultimate goal weight soon!

Everything is just fucked up and messy

Again, I have failed.

Again, I have thrown all propriety out the window.

Who is it this time? Cody.

I have known him since my freshmen year in high school. He never paid any attention to me until my senior year when I was actually losing and looking pretty well. I refused him sometimes, other times I thought it would be fun. Now, here I am again. I run into him at the store, he texts me and we continue texting. He asks me to hang out, I say yes.

So, on Wednesday, I will be at his house at 5 pm. I will be in his bed no later than 6 pm. And will I do anything to stop this from happening? Will I come to my senses and realize that I don't need to do this? Of course not. I will carry on because deep down, I know that I want to, I know that it is what I have to do because I won't feel any other way.

Despite the potential problems I will inevitably cause, I intend to fuck him. I also intend to stay at his house on Friday and get completely drunk. Why? Because I am an idiot. Because I don't care anymore. Because it is all I am worth and I realize this now. Guys use me for sex and I allow them to because I know it's all I'm good for, it's what I deserve.

Haven't said much about my ED, have I? Well I attempted to fast today, I was forced to eat because of my family. I intend to fast tomorrow and go for a long run. I haven't been able to run lately, things have been so crazy and I think that is one of the reasons I am so antsy and definitely a contributing factor to my fat ass. I NEED to get THIN.

As for Brexton? I have given up hope. How could I ever think that he could possibly like me? How could I ever believe that he would want such a fat whore? I was an idiot for even trying to find the love I read about in my books. It clearly doesn't exist for me. My only hope is that I don't get attached to Cody after sex with him. I tend to do that sometimes and it just turns around and screws me up even more.

Well, with any luck, I will turn into a cold, heartless bitch; fucking who she pleases and not giving a damn about what other people think. But that's just it, isn't it? I do give a damn. I can't do something without caring what other people think. It doesn't matter who it is, my opinion of myself depends on the opinions of others. It's part of my ana. It is what it is and I can't just stop.

Why is it so unattainable?

All I want is a little peace. Can't I just be left alone? I have turned my cell phone off, the incessant ringing and vibrating was driving me further into chaos. Nosy people trying to get into my business. People too fed up with their own lives, looking for more drama. They are like blood sucking parasites when it comes to this gossiping shit.

I had the house to myself most of the day, blasted Three Days Grace and read most of the time. I'm trying to keep my mind off of recent events, I can't think about them and so I can't have silence. I read to escape. How can I escape with my "friends" coming to see whats going on though?
Once I get rid of one person, another shows up. Now that I'm the group's whore, I'm suddenly more interesting.. Something to judge and talk about. Somebody to be two faced and bitchy to. UGH! I just want it all to end!

My Horizontal Life (If you get the chance, read the book, its funny)

This is so crazy, I am such an idiot. Want to know what I did last night? Well, even if you don't, I'm going to tell you anyways. I had sex with my ex boyfriend, Kevin. Twice. After going on a date with Bret (his name is now deemed Brexton for my amusement). Can you say "WHORE?" I guess this is a good time to mention I actually managed to get things right with Brexton and he was sympathetic and understanding. Then I screw it up again.

Well, the date with Brexton was a complete bust anyways. The movie we were going to see, ended up being shown at a later time and neither of us wanted to watch it that late, so we went to get smoothies instead. Things seemed to be going pretty smooth despite my nervousness, then half an hour into it, he abruptly stands up and says he has to go. Without any other explanation, he walks away. Haven't heard from him since.

I was feeling pretty insecure, my hopes were high for this date and I felt completely let down. I'm almost certain he lost interest in me. I felt so ugly and unattractive, not to mention, stupid. I was ditched in a city that I didn't even live in (we live in different towns about half an hour apart from each other) with no ride back home. He was going to give me a ride. So, with no one else to turn to, I call my ex who comes and gives me a ride. we stop by his house because I had stuff of mine there that I wanted back. Well he grabbed me and kissed me, I pushed him away but he was a bit persistent and I admit, I wasn't completely against it.

I have this irritating thing where I need attention to feel good about myself, especially guy attention. If I don't have a guy that gives me attention, I feel even worse about myself than usual. So now, for punishment, I have decided to fast from today all the way to Monday and I hate to admit it, but I have been cutting myself in punishment as well. I deserve it.

Well, to explain my title, the book, My Horizontal Life is an amusing book by Chelsea Handler. Its about this woman who has a ton of one night stands with a ton of different guys. I feel like the crazy psycho version of her. She was smarter, however. SHE didn't fuck people she actually knew! It causes waaay less drama when you have sex with random strangers. Too bad I'm too freaked out to do that. I think I'm just going to try to cut guys out of my life for a while. I'm done, with all the drama they cause... now lets see if I can actually stick with that.

Wrong! Wrong!! WRONG!!!

No wonder Bret wants nothing to do with me now! I'm such a FAT FUCKING WHORE! I screw everything up, I don't think and I binge like a freaking COW!!! What happened yesterday? I wake up, cram for my psych final, get a text from a friend of mine saying we should hang out. He's a good friend so I think, "No, problem, sounds fun." I meet him at his dorm, we are playing games and joking around.

Then he kisses me.
I kiss back.
He leads me to his room, we continue from there...
I had sex with him... I just can't believe it...
I don't get home until around 9 pm.
Angry at myself and at him, I cut.

fast forward to today: That friend of mine seems to think it's a great idea to tell everyone possible what happened the day before. He is so repulsive to me today, I really cannot believe I allowed myself to get into this sort of position. Of course, it wouldn't be a proper mess without Bret hearing something about it and I'm sure he did because he refuses to talk to me. He barely even looks at me... I have tried calling him twice today and left a couple text messages. He just won't answer. I'm just going to have to try to talk to him tomorrow and if he refuses then I suppose I'll have to wait for him to want to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I fucked up any chance I may have had with him.
So, my mind a wreck, stressed about all the drama as well as finals. I eat, not just eat but freaking stuff my face. I had pizza, 3 SLICES! I had 4 breakfast bars, a candy bar and a freaking cookie (one of those vegan ones that are, like, 300 calories).

And then I cut... I cut a lot last night and tonight... That guy (ugh, I can't even say his name) just made me feel so terrible about myself. I feel like complete and total crap. We were good friends and I let this happen.... I should have stopped it. He's been trying to get me back to his dorm all day today. I, of course refuse, especially after he told me that he has been trying to get into my pants since the day we met.

Whatever happened to MANNERS? What ever happened to chivalry!? Is there any sort of decent guy out there that isn't a character in a book. I mean, look at Mr. Darcy, from Pride and Prejudice. He is THE perfect guy. Honest, dashing, kind and romantic. He's every girl's wet dream! That guy has been my fantasy dream date ever since I have read the book when I was 13. I have yet to meet a guy half as decent. I know, I'm raving on about some character from a book that was written over 200 years ago, I really must be psycho. I just can't help it! I mean, all guys ever seem to want now is sex. Bret seemed to be different but I screwed that one up. I really never meant to be such a whore.

I'm not against one night stands or casual sex but a little romance never hurt anyone, right? It's just so out of character for me to be having random sex with a friend. And the one time I decide, "what the hell," I end up messing everything up, as usual. Sorry for the immense rant, Ineededto let it out and what better way than through a blog?

Getting back on the band waggon

After a complete mess of binging and laziness, I have started a new regimen/competition with one of my good ana text buddies. I am no longer binging, have more motivation than ever and I have even lost weight! Tomorrow my plan is to eat only up to 300 calories (maybe less) as well as work out for 2 hours. I cannot wait. Today all I had was a breakfast bar (120 calories). I also ran for an hour. Hope you are all doing good :) Stay strong!