Its Not Ever Gonna Stop

I was going to go to the river today with a couple friends. I would have been a third wheel as they are dating and that is the excuse I gave them... really, I was just feeling really fat. My thighs looked waaay to big to me today so I told them to have fun and went for a walk. I haven't eaten anything all day so far and I hope to keep it that way.

I just felt so crappy about myself today.
I kept staring at y thighs....
"too big. too ugly. fat, fat, fat."
Constantly running through my mind. I'm so sick of looking at my fat, I need to be thin and perfect. I need to lose. I have been staying in control and I'm terrified to lose it. I'm too afraid to even take a bite of something low cal otherwise I'll go on a huge binge.

I'm going to exercise a little later today for an hour or so. For some reason my mind is going crazy. I need to burn cals and I need to keep focused on my goal. I don't know what is causing this restlessness in me. It worries me a bit because it causes me to lose sleep and makes me want to cut. This itch just under the surface makes it almost unbearable.

Can you spell "success?"

I managed to keep myself almost completely pure this whole last week while in Nevada. My family never noticed me not eat. All I had to do was take two or three bites of whatever was on the table during dinner. I ran every morning and stayed busy during the day. I even lost 4 pounds! 113 pounds now! 15 more pounds to go!

Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm going to fast and run every morning. Before the trip, I was getting kinda lazy and only running a couple days a week. Not anymore. I'm so close, I'm gonna work my ass off for this!

Ooook.. soo I wrote another poem. Sorry but being the crazy person I am, I have to post it :P

I have no name for it yet and its kinda short but oh well. I may even add to it. I'm not quite sure yet though.


Watch out for another breakdown
As you put on your fake crown
Staring at me with your mocking smile
As I sit down and cry a while
I never wanted it to get this far
I left myself open for you to mar
Now I stand alive but broken
With these words left unspoken

Who Says You Can't Win?

I did very well today, I made myself a cup of popcorn. No butter or salt. It was only 35 calories. I also had 2 cans of diet Dr Pepper.

Tomorrow I go on my Nevada trip with the family. I'm really worried that I will ruin everything on this trip. I may not be able to do the 2468 like I want to but I will eat as little as I can and exercise as much as I can. I know I can at least lose a couple pounds on this trip. I'm going to put my goal at 7 pounds. I think I can do that. I'm going to stay as positive as possible.

Boys, boys, boys...

I'm hungry so I need a distraction, which is why I am posting again tonight ha ha. This isn't so much a "food problem" post as much as an "Idiot Boy Problem/I Am So Stupid" post. Ok sooo... I guess Kevin and I are sort of a thing... in a way? I mean we have sex and go on dates. We talk and text every day,we even tell each other we love each other. so we kind of have a thing, obviously, but I'm pretty sure he is going around behind my back and sleeping with other girls.

so...Bret wants to hang out with me when I get back, which surprises me. Last I checked, he didn't want anything to do with me. But he sent me a text saying that he missed me and wants to hang out as soon as we can. I said I would but I'm just not sure if I really should... I mean, would Kevin get mad? I really want to hang out with Bret though, I can't stop thinking about him. I love Kevin, I'm almost certain of that, but something about Bret... I just don't know. So since Kevin is possibly sleeping with other girls, is it wrong for me to want to hang out with Bret... even possibly hope for something to happen?

He is going to be gone next year anyways, so why not? I mean, he just said "hang out" it isn't like we are planning to have sex or anything... even though, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't really mind too much.

I think I will hang out with him... I'll work on losing weight while in Nevada, of course. If something happens then something happens. I'm just going to let things take its course. Hell, it might just be an innocent thing. You know, two friends catching up before parting ways again. Ugh, I just have a huge problem with over thinking things. That is probably all it is. I keep thinking he wants more than what he says but I am probably totally wrong.

Did Well Today

All I ate today was an apple, I split it up into 5 parts. One part for breakfast, one for lunch, one for a snack, one for dinner and one for dessert. My stomach feels amazingly empty. I am going to be eating 400 calories tomorrow.

I'm going to Nevada in a couple days. I'm going to be there for about a week with a bunch of family. I don't know how I'm going to do this without someone noticing my eating habits... Can I feign being ill for a whole week? Somehow I seriously doubt it. I'm just gonna have to work out a ridiculous amount whenever I have alone time... which will probably be when everyone is sleeping.... ugh. This is going to be a very long week.

The surface may be still...

It has been way too long since I have been able to get on here. My family has been monitoring everything, they thought I was on drugs because I have been "distant and quiet." Funny how they finally take notice to me and they still have it all wrong.

I'm now 117 pounds... it is absolutely disgusting. I have managed to get my family off my back though. I told them the usual lies: "I have just been busy and stressed" "Not feeling well" "have a lot on my mind right now." I could be a fucking actress with how well I can talk my way out of situations like that. Of course, it isn't all me... my family just tends to be ignorant and uncaring. They are willing to take any excuse as long as things are kept under wraps and away from the ears of outsiders.

Now that I have pacified the family, I am gonna be working on losing weight again. I'll have to go about it more carefully but I can do it. I know I can.

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

It has been a while since I have posted. I have been doing well. I have been eating less than 300 calories a day lately. I have no appetite. Absolutely no urge to eat or anything. It is kind of nice... not really worrying about food. I just go about my day, keeping busy and keeping my mind on all things but food. It is really helping me to stay on track.

I have been feeling slightly blah but otherwise ok. I have lost weight again, I'm now at 105 again. I hope I stay that way, or continue to lose. Definitely want to continue to lose. I want to be that 98 pounds. I believe I can do it if I continue with this. Exercising for a few hours a day really helps.

Some things I have been doing to burn calories and resist food:
1) When watching tv, I do jumping jacks during commercials.
2) When I do feel hungry I leave the house and go for a walk.
3) I constantly have gum with me, at all times.
4) Write my weight on my hand to remind myself what I need to lose.
5)Dance around in my room :P





P.S. I know the title has nothing to do with my post :p I just like the quote

Still, it continues

Got a new plan that I am going to start on Sunday. I'm going to do the 2468 diet, starting with 200 cals on Sunday, 400 on Monday, 600 on Tuesday and 800 on Thursday, then fast on Friday. I'll start it all over again and do three cycles of it. I'm a little worried about eating 800 calories and might tweak that to 600 or something.

I'm sort of out of my insane, mental, sad mode. I don't know for how long but its nice to feel something other then what I have been lately. I think the whole breakdown I had was much needed or something. All I know is I don't want it coming back so I'm gonna be working not only on my body but also on my mind, if that makes any sense. I can't really explain at the moment, I don't even know entirely what I mean but once I do, I'll be sure to document it here.

Trying to breath again

I cry even as I type. When will this end? Its always the same. Either I'm filled with self loathing and disgust, sadness, anger, depression, all directed towards myself.. Or I feel nothing at all. Just this all consuming nothing, which makes me want to cut and hurt myself more. I can't stop, no matter how hard I try. I have no one to turn to. There is Kevin, as I have mentioned in other posts but he is high as fuck right now and probably wouldn't give a shit about me anyways. Who could?

I'm such a fucked up mess. And apparently fuck is the word of the night... I'm sorry, for all the cussing. I'm just so sick of crying. This pain and sadness, this nothingness. Yet, I can't make it stop. No matter how hard I try. I'm really alone. Despite my allusions of friends and Kevin. I can never really turn to them like I need to. There is only the readers of this blog, and that helps...more than I thought it would. It doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do but writing this stuff down keeps me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.

What can I say

I'm doing well...I think. I haven't eaten in a few days... ended up eating a yogurt today but that is all. I haven't had much time to get on here. Haven't had any time to myself and that is driving me insane.. I need time to myself.

I had a major breakdown on Friday... ended up cutting myself AT MY COLLEGE! I always keep a knife with me just as a sort of odd comfort thing but I never really intended to use it. I'm a sick person, I know. But I had to do it... I got that itching feeling under the skin again.

I don't even know what set me off in the first place. I just felt this all consuming emptiness again and I needed to cut...

The sun shines never the less

Well, I have managed to fast all day today and I think i am going to fast all day tomorrow too. I need to get all this guilt out of me. I really think I can fast, I won't be seeing my boyfriend so he won't be pushing me to shove fat down my throat. My parents don't give a shit. My dad is too high and my step mom works too much. My brothers don't pay attention. Sometimes I'm thankful for a dysfunctional family, as fucked up as that sounds.

I cut last night, pretty deep cuts, they are going to take forever to heal. I can't let Kevin see them, he would kill me. Or break up with me again. I love him but I can't see this working out unless I get better. I'm such a burden to him, he says I'm not but I know I am. He gets so pissed when i cut.

But that doesn't really matter too much right now. I managed to fast and I'm going to continue tomorrow. I'm just going to try to take this one day at a time rather than planning for a whole week. Tomorrow I will plan my intake and exercise for the next day and so on. I hope I can manage to be less of a failure.

Ugh

I'm such a fat fuck! I have eaten so much! I can't even stick to what I want! I had to break and eat those damn chips! And of course that lead to more food... I ate 1,236 calories!!!! Can you believe it! I ended up crying my eyes out because of it. I hate myself. I can't even type about it without feeling intense self loathing.

Finally, I can smile

I have been doing very well so far. I have managed to work out at least an hour a day, doing core workouts as well as thighs, glutes and arms. I would do an hour of some thigh or core workout (I usually use one of those tacky 90's workout videos because they are funny and make me laugh and, lets face it, its so hard to find something that makes me smile anymore) then I go on the bike for half an hour, sometimes more if i feel the need. Things seem to finally be working out.

I have also been eating a piece of toast or yogurt every morning... well almost every morning because it can get the metabolism started for the day. Then I stick to 300-500 cals after that. It seems to be working well, though I admit, I haven't weighed myself yet... I'm kind of terrified to. I will soon though. I wish I could type more, but I have a lot to do. stay strong :)

I need this, I need this more than anything

How could I have let myself get this way? When did I start to get fat and ugly? When did I start this whole self destructive thing I have been doing for the past three years now? Am I really psycho and insane?

It gets so confusing... I want to be normal so much. I don't want to care about what I eat, how many calories something has or what days I will restrict and how much exercise I will get. But no matter how much I want to be normal... I want to be thin more. I need to be thin. I have known this life for far too long and the thought of anything different is just so terrifying.

I need to lose weight, I need to be thin and beautiful in order to have any self worth. And I WILL be skinny! I am going to work day and night for it! I can't be a fat lard ass for the rest of y life and I know I have the strength and the ability to get to 98 pounds and I fully intend to do that! I have been losing focus and I can't allow that to happen. I will have to work twice as hard.

Loving you is harder than you know

Why must I always be such a fuck up? I have been bingeing non-stop for days. Kevin is leading me on and I am letting him. He says he isn't sure if he wants to date me but we act like we are dating when nobody else is around. He texts and talks about other girls all the time, knowing that it makes me jealous. I have a feeling he is using me... well more than just a feeling but I can't help but want to be with him. It has always been him. Even when I talked about Bret, Anthony and Cody. I just had to try and forget him, so I threw myself at other guys.

I just hope he won't leave me. I couldn't stand that. I have already been cutting and bingeing like crazy. I'm not happy and I can't change it unless I'm with Kevin... he makes me feel whole. I actually feel so happy with him. I know, in the long run this is just going to completely destroy me but I'm not willing to stop it.