Itching to get out

Well, I'm back. Finally have internet again. So much has happened. My family moved out of state so now I am living with a friend and her family. Suits me just fine to be honest. They don't pay attention to my habits and they have a scale in the bathroom. Makes things easier. I go to work while she goes to school and I'm usually never home anyways. I buy food and help with groceries. I give them no reason to believe that I don't eat. I go running almost every night and they they don't say anything about other than that they wish they had my dedication.

I also have a new boyfriend. I'm now doing well and am completely over Kevin. I'm so happy with him. He doesn't know about my condition though... We have only been together for about a month and it has been going so well. I don't want to ruin this. I'm so afraid of losing him. He makes me so happy. Its long distance so he calls me everyday, several times a day. We text constantly and when we see each other, it is fantastic. I feel so complete when I'm with him. It is so different than when I'm alone. I never feel that pressing numbness with him. I barely think about food at all. He even goes running with me. Its bliss with him.

I want to tell him though.

I want to share my secrets with him. He's older than me, twenty-two. But sometimes, I feel older than him. I feel these secrets weighing down. I want to share with him. I want him to enfold me in his arms and tell me everything will be alright. I want him to kiss the tears away and tell me he will help me through this.

I'm afraid to tell him.

What if its too much for him? I don't want to ruin his happiness. In every meaningful relationship I have, I wind up bringing a shadow over it. Every time. Just because I feel the need to tell them. Because I believe they deserve to know. And they do but it brings them so much unhappiness. I won't tell him right away. I will wait a little while longer. I intend to tell him... just not yet.