I'm Hungry

So, naturally, I post. Christmas eve tomorrow... woo. I just got done decorating the tree we got at least a week ago... Sorry to bore you all but I have a terrible feeling that this is going to be a rambling post. Something to keep me from entering the kitchen. I'm feeling fairly strong at the moment. Maybe if I go to take a shower. Lets see, if I plan my night, I won't have to worry so much about what may happen. I don't know why but having a plan always makes me feel a bit more in control and less worried that I will fail.

So after this post I will take a shower. Then go onto PT or some other site for a while. Talk to my boyfriend. Listen to music. Exercise! Read, write. Basically anything to distract me.

What a disgusting being I am... Starving myself. For what? Beauty, happiness? I know its crazy but I actually believe I will be happier skinnier. Even though I know once I get to my goal weight, I will just set another one. Lower and lower until someone realizes what is going on and stuffs me into a ward so they can stuff me with calories. Or am I hoping to just fade away in general? Be so thin, I literally disappear. How lovely would that be?

I can't be so lucky, though. I'm too selfish. I believe that things will somehow get better.

In a way, I suppose they have... I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend and I live just to feel that emotion. Oblivious to sadness. It goes somewhere deep in my mind. Doesn't show its face until I am alone. Occasionally, I see a glimpse of it when food is around or when my mind wonders to something that hurts me and then he talks and it hides again.

I hope this lasts.

I don't want to fuck this up like so many other things.

I'm so afraid of losing him. I do everything I can to make him as happy as he makes me. I'm so terrified, I know I'm not good enough for him. I'm so broken, I know I deserve such happiness as he gives me. But dammit, I'm going to keep him as long as I can. I have never felt such dependance on someone. I feel absolutely ridiculous writing about it but the words I write are so true. I really have fallen hard for this guy...