FINALLY!! Internet again.

Honestly don't feel like posting my current stats right now. Had an injury and couldn't work out for a while. I'm all healed now and ready to get back on track. I have only been eating about 500-700 calories a day but I can't seem to get rid of my horrible fat ass. I will though. I have more motivation than ever before.

Exhausted. Had a hard time getting out of bed today but I'm up and I weighed myself. I have let myself go quite a bit since my boyfriend was here and I have to hide this shit from him. The day he left I was a disgusting 127 pounds. It's been about a week and I am at a slightly less disgusting 122.2 pounds. I weighed myself and today can be a happy day since it is a pound lower than yesterday. I want to reach 115 by my birthday which is on the 12th of this month. Not sure how realistic that is but I have lost at a good steady pace so far. I just hope I can keep it up. Willpower. That's all I need. I need willpower and so far I have that. I will be visiting my boyfriend next month too. I'll have to do all the exercising and restricting I can before I visit. I want to be skinnier for him. I want him to see how beautiful I can be if I just work hard enough at it. I want to look in the mirror and be satisfied with what I see and not scramble through my purse looking for the thing that will make me perfect only to find nothing. I want to enjoy walking out somewhere and not worry about the way my ass looks in my jeans or whether other people notice my huge thighs and ugly upper arms. I want to be comfortable with myself. Confident enough to wear what I think is cute and good looking rather than just wearing what I think hides the most of me. Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant but I needed to get it out I suppose.

Day One Down

Well day one is over with. I did well. Drank water all day and had work/PT distract me from eating. I am confident I can keep this up tomorrow too. The only thing I hate is the headaches I get from not eating. Pain releiver doesn't seem to help at all. I do enjoy the feeling of my empty stomach though. I like the hunger pains. It lets me know I'm still in control. I don't know if I can stay in control, however. My birthday is a week away and I don't know what my friends have planned. I'm hoping I can just get "sick" and avoid eting too much. Right now there isn't too much to report, I'll post again tomorrow. Time to read :) I'm on the second book of the Lord of the Rings series... I'm such a nerd.

Damn

I haven't been on here at all. I have really been wanting to write but it's hard with my boyfriend hovering around all the time. He is no longer suspicious and he is hours away going to school so I have the time and privacy to write again. Lets see... where to start. I have been doing fairly well with dieting since the boyfriend left. I'm going to start a liquid diet tomorrow. I'm starting off slow and going for two days as it has been a while since I have done anything of the sort. It should be easy. I have two jobs now so I can forget all about food on the job as I am busy most of the day.... It's the night that I am worried about. I always seem hungrier at night and its so hard to stay busy when your trying to wind down. Some nights I don't even sleep. It seems to be getting more frequent too. I had a nightmare about eating last night. There was a banquet on this table and no matter how much I ate, food kept reappearing. I couldn't stop eating and as I ate I got fatter and fatter. Ugh it was so terrible!

Oh the joys of living without family!

Went grocery shopping yesterday. Of course I had a roommate with me but he's a guy, he never pays attention to what I eat (or don't eat). Neither of them do, they are rarely ever home so I just dirty up a plate and put it in the sink and I'm good to go. Guess I should call this post the joys of living with guys instead buuut that might give the wrong impression :p





Anyways, I got to get everything that would keep me from bingeing too badly. I mean, yes, I did get a lot of food for the guys too but I never eat it cause I always feel guilty for eating their stuff. Which is really good, it keeps me on track. I got low fat yogurt, those special K bars (strawberry, my favorite!) and I know candy isn't the best for you buuut I couldn't resist. I got fruit roll ups but surprisingly they are only 50 cals so if I get a sweet tooth, one of those works wonders and I never feel the need to lose control and eat the whole pack. So I'm really excited about staying on track. I also got the usual apples, bananas, celery, salad and the like





I got the yogurt so I can stop my fast slowly. I seem to be doing good so far. I do have a little concern about ruining this fast too soon with all the new food in the house but I'm still feeling strong. I just hope I can keep it up.

Going strong

So I have now gone two days without eating and I actually feel really good about it. I mean, I'm exhausted and have all the normal symptoms you get with starvation, but I'm doing really well. I know I was trying to do the ABC but I feel so strong right now. I want to see how many days I can fast. I'm going to try for a week. The ABC will be more like a rough guidline if I start feeling weak and think I might fail.



Its almost three in the morning... you would think I would be dead asleep right now... not so much. I know my body wants to sleep and I think if I lay there long enough I might actually sleep but as of right now, I really don't want to go to bed. Not really sure why. Might be because I have been drinking water and diet soda like none other so I have to get up and go to the bathroom every five minutes. I'm doing good though and I'm really proud of myself, I haven't been able to fast in a while. I'm finally getting back to my old groove.



Here is a completely unrelated picture:

So far...

I feel like complete and utter shit right now. Just a series of events in the past two days have put me in the worst of moods. I'm making today a fast day. I can't stand the idea of having to eat today. I really just want to curl up into a ball and cry. They aren't even big things that set me off. Just a bunch of little things all strung together.

He left yesterday. That is the big one... was in a bad mood from the start once I had to say good bye. My friend broke up with her ass hole boyfriend so I had to spend all day cheering her up and I wouldn't have minded otherwise, I was just not in the mood to listen to it. Listening to her complain about it all day put me in an even worse mood. Especially knowing that she will just take him back, anyways. Regardless of how bad he treats her. Probably makes me a bad friend I'm sure. Writing all these things about her but I need to vent.

I also lost my bank card so I couldn't cash a check that I desperately needed as the banks were closed and I was trying to use an ATM. Wash machines in my apartment complex only take bank cards, as I only moved here recently, I didn't know that and had 5 dollars worth of quarters ready. So I have next to nothing to wear.

I know, I'm whining but this new year so far is crap. If this is how its going to be all year I'm ready to just crawl into bed and wait for the next year to come. Everything else is going ok, I suppose. I just have to wait until tomorrow to do everything I need to get done. Whatever... happy new years everyone. Hope yours is going better than mine!

Day one

Ok technically day two considering the time but thats besides the point. I have decided to do the ABC diet. What better day to start than the first of the month? Did well. Ate my 400 calories with ease, went for a run earlier today and walked all around town because my car is broken down and its the only way to get around in this Hell of a town. Oh well, I burned plenty of calories I'm sure. I know I'll be sore in the morning. I worked out like crazy this morning.

Hmm... I will be visiting that wonderful boyfriend of mine in about a month and a half.. I wonder how much I can lose by then. Hopefully enough to make me happy for the time being. Or at the very least, a manageable weight. I don't want to be all fat and self conscious when I see him and I think I have put on some weight these past few weeks. Apparently the scale I was using doesn't even work... I'm 115!!!! I'm a fucking cow.

It is changing though. I will not stand for this. I'm going to the store on monday to buy a few things, a new scale is at the top of my list. Diet soda, fruit and veggies will also be high on my list of course. I need to be at least 100 when I see him. I can lose 15 pounds in a month and a half, right? I mean, if need be I can add a few more fast days to my ABC diet and exercise a little more. Who knows. I'll get it figured out though. I'll go crazy otherwise. All I know is I need to get the fat off fast.

Holiday is finally over

So glad its all over with. I managed to get by eating a bare minimum and even had a little fun. The only problm is that My boyfriend saw PT in my history... naturally curious, he opened it and saw what it was. I ended up lying and pretending not to know anything about it. I even told him it was probably a site one of my friends went on when they borrowed my lap top.

I feel so bad for lying to him but I couldn't tell him. I'm just not ready. He believed it but now makes fun of me for being anorexic or bulimic. Thats pretty hurtful and makes me pretty upset. I told him it wasn't funny and that my friend could have a serious problem. He stopped thank goodness.

Other than that small little bump, my holiday went fairly well. Hope it all went ok for you as well!

I'm Hungry

So, naturally, I post. Christmas eve tomorrow... woo. I just got done decorating the tree we got at least a week ago... Sorry to bore you all but I have a terrible feeling that this is going to be a rambling post. Something to keep me from entering the kitchen. I'm feeling fairly strong at the moment. Maybe if I go to take a shower. Lets see, if I plan my night, I won't have to worry so much about what may happen. I don't know why but having a plan always makes me feel a bit more in control and less worried that I will fail.

So after this post I will take a shower. Then go onto PT or some other site for a while. Talk to my boyfriend. Listen to music. Exercise! Read, write. Basically anything to distract me.

What a disgusting being I am... Starving myself. For what? Beauty, happiness? I know its crazy but I actually believe I will be happier skinnier. Even though I know once I get to my goal weight, I will just set another one. Lower and lower until someone realizes what is going on and stuffs me into a ward so they can stuff me with calories. Or am I hoping to just fade away in general? Be so thin, I literally disappear. How lovely would that be?

I can't be so lucky, though. I'm too selfish. I believe that things will somehow get better.

In a way, I suppose they have... I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend and I live just to feel that emotion. Oblivious to sadness. It goes somewhere deep in my mind. Doesn't show its face until I am alone. Occasionally, I see a glimpse of it when food is around or when my mind wonders to something that hurts me and then he talks and it hides again.

I hope this lasts.

I don't want to fuck this up like so many other things.

I'm so afraid of losing him. I do everything I can to make him as happy as he makes me. I'm so terrified, I know I'm not good enough for him. I'm so broken, I know I deserve such happiness as he gives me. But dammit, I'm going to keep him as long as I can. I have never felt such dependance on someone. I feel absolutely ridiculous writing about it but the words I write are so true. I really have fallen hard for this guy...

Christmas Dinner

Ham, turkey, mashed potatoes and all the like. Ah Christmas dinner is upon us.

I am not looking forward to this dinner at all. I will be spending it with my boyfriend and his family so of course they will be having me try all the dishes at the table. I will be expected to eat. I know laxatives aren't safe but I do intend to use them, I will try to use any excuse I can to eat as little as possible as well. The fail safe excuse "I don't feel very well" will probably do just fine. I haven't used it with him yet so I'm sure it will suffice.

I despise holidays, not just for the whole "I'm anorexic and I have to eat to make sure people aren't suspicious" but also for the whole "put on a good show so people don't see how sad and dysfunctional you really are" thing. I mean, it is a little less stressful now that family isn't around, I guess. It douesn't help that they want nothing to do with me anymore however.

I don't think I have explained the whole family hating me situation on here. I told my mother that I was planning on spending christmas with the boyfriend and my mom bought me a plane ticket anyways hoping to guilt trip me into going to see her. It worked, I was on my way to the airport when the tire blew out. When I was able to call my mom and let her know what happened, she was furious. She told me I was lying and that I was just looking for an excuse to stay off that plane and waste her money. Sh now refuses to talk to me and went as far as to shut my phone off, even telling my family that I am a terrible backstabber. 'Tis the season.

So here is a question for the readers: What are your plans for this lovely holiday?

Back again

Boy how many times have I said that now? Oh well, I am here posting again. Things are going quite well for the most part. I have an apartment now with.. Kevin and another friend of ours. I know awkward right? Considering he is my ex, but I needed a permanent place to stay and this way O have that. My jobis within walking distance now and I'm not the only one paying rent.

How does my boyfriend feel about this? I wouldn't have moved in if he minded. He seems to be completely ok with it. Even when I asked him if he was ok with it he said "why should it matter? You are in a stable place now and thats all that counts." He really cares for me and I can actually trust him! I feel so happy with him, so different than when I am aone. He is here for a few weeks now so I won't feel as lonely as I do when he is gone. I love it when he is here, that dark non-feelingness stays at bay when he is with me.

I still haven't told him about my ana problem, I'm still not ready. I have been failing a bit with that since he has come back to town though... I mean I haven't gained anything but I'm not losing either and thats what is killing me. I hate that. I boosted up my exercise though and am restricting some more. WIsh me luck, lots of love!

Itching to get out

Well, I'm back. Finally have internet again. So much has happened. My family moved out of state so now I am living with a friend and her family. Suits me just fine to be honest. They don't pay attention to my habits and they have a scale in the bathroom. Makes things easier. I go to work while she goes to school and I'm usually never home anyways. I buy food and help with groceries. I give them no reason to believe that I don't eat. I go running almost every night and they they don't say anything about other than that they wish they had my dedication.

I also have a new boyfriend. I'm now doing well and am completely over Kevin. I'm so happy with him. He doesn't know about my condition though... We have only been together for about a month and it has been going so well. I don't want to ruin this. I'm so afraid of losing him. He makes me so happy. Its long distance so he calls me everyday, several times a day. We text constantly and when we see each other, it is fantastic. I feel so complete when I'm with him. It is so different than when I'm alone. I never feel that pressing numbness with him. I barely think about food at all. He even goes running with me. Its bliss with him.

I want to tell him though.

I want to share my secrets with him. He's older than me, twenty-two. But sometimes, I feel older than him. I feel these secrets weighing down. I want to share with him. I want him to enfold me in his arms and tell me everything will be alright. I want him to kiss the tears away and tell me he will help me through this.

I'm afraid to tell him.

What if its too much for him? I don't want to ruin his happiness. In every meaningful relationship I have, I wind up bringing a shadow over it. Every time. Just because I feel the need to tell them. Because I believe they deserve to know. And they do but it brings them so much unhappiness. I won't tell him right away. I will wait a little while longer. I intend to tell him... just not yet.

Its Not Ever Gonna Stop

I was going to go to the river today with a couple friends. I would have been a third wheel as they are dating and that is the excuse I gave them... really, I was just feeling really fat. My thighs looked waaay to big to me today so I told them to have fun and went for a walk. I haven't eaten anything all day so far and I hope to keep it that way.

I just felt so crappy about myself today.
I kept staring at y thighs....
"too big. too ugly. fat, fat, fat."
Constantly running through my mind. I'm so sick of looking at my fat, I need to be thin and perfect. I need to lose. I have been staying in control and I'm terrified to lose it. I'm too afraid to even take a bite of something low cal otherwise I'll go on a huge binge.

I'm going to exercise a little later today for an hour or so. For some reason my mind is going crazy. I need to burn cals and I need to keep focused on my goal. I don't know what is causing this restlessness in me. It worries me a bit because it causes me to lose sleep and makes me want to cut. This itch just under the surface makes it almost unbearable.

Can you spell "success?"

I managed to keep myself almost completely pure this whole last week while in Nevada. My family never noticed me not eat. All I had to do was take two or three bites of whatever was on the table during dinner. I ran every morning and stayed busy during the day. I even lost 4 pounds! 113 pounds now! 15 more pounds to go!

Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm going to fast and run every morning. Before the trip, I was getting kinda lazy and only running a couple days a week. Not anymore. I'm so close, I'm gonna work my ass off for this!

Ooook.. soo I wrote another poem. Sorry but being the crazy person I am, I have to post it :P

I have no name for it yet and its kinda short but oh well. I may even add to it. I'm not quite sure yet though.


Watch out for another breakdown
As you put on your fake crown
Staring at me with your mocking smile
As I sit down and cry a while
I never wanted it to get this far
I left myself open for you to mar
Now I stand alive but broken
With these words left unspoken