doing well

Well yesterday, I ate nothing. Today I have eaten nothing so far... I don't know what it is but I'm so afraid to eat anything. I bought some spearmint gum to keep my mouth busy and not think of how hungry I am. Every time I decide I will eat a little bit, I get disgusted and wind up throwing it away. I'm strong, I don't want to poison myself with that crap.

Last night I went to a friend's house and got high for the first time... I know bad bad blah blah blah. But I was curious. Anyways, when I looked down at my thighs... they looked skinny. I actually felt skinny and beautiful for a change! I felt sexy and I was happy. But when I woke up today I looked in the mirror and realized how wrong I was. I am nothing but fat. It will change though, when I am 98 pounds I will be way happier than I ever have been. I will be beautiful and thin. I'm so close, I know I can do this.

The Rev

Avenged Sevenfold's drummer, Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan died of natural causes on Monday 12-28-09. I just want to say what a great drummer he was and that my thoughts and condolences go out to his family and friends.

I like him more than I ever expected

My boyfriend, Kevin. He doesn't let my eating habits get in between us. He always puts me first. He tells me he loves me more than anything. I honestly don't believe that I deserve him. I'm such a mess but he doesn't seem to mind. He holds me when I break down, takes the scissors out of my hand and tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. I am more than lucky to have him in my life. He cooks me low cal meals and treats me better than anything. He can make me smile, make me feel almost normal. I'm sorry for the gushy-ness, I just felt the need to type about my boyfriend. I love him so much :)

The holidays

My plan worked perfectly. I didn't have any problems with over eating. I was the only one at both dinners to keep my stomach empty but for a bit of veggies. I'm still empty and I feel so light and accomplished.

I got a Dance Dance Revolution mat for Christmas and it has an exercise mode where you dance to a certain amount of songs and it will tell you how many calories you burned. I got a new one because my brothers broke my older one. I played it all day yesterday. I'm so happy I got another one. Its kind of a sneaky way to exercise, my mom is complaining that I am too skinny and she is trying to get me to eat more and keeps trying to keep me from going to the gym. I have to keep reminding her that I am 18 and can do what I want. Of course I also tell her I'm just trying to stay healthy and I don't go to the gym the whole time I'm gone, although I really do, I just want to keep her from worrying about me too much. The DDR will be amazing because she just sees it as another video game. So she is totally clueless about why I like it so much. Which is good because it keeps her from making all those comments that, oddly enough, make me feel guilty. She tells me I'm too skinny and you would think I would be happy because she thinks I'm skinny. But I'm not too skinny.. I'm not skinny enough.

YES!

Managed to starve myself today and yesterday. I doubt I will be able to keep it up tomorrow considering its Christmas and all but I will be able to eat very little. Such as a few carrots or celery and some crackers from my family's dinner and from my boyfriend's family's dinner. I'm glad I have manged to keep control. I even exercised for three hours each day. I'm going to try to keep my calories at about 400-500 calories. Wish me luck! Sorry this is so short, I don't have much time to type for long, still have tons to do in preparation for tomorrow. Stay strong!!!

Dysfunctional? please... its worse than that!

Well now my step brother is in town and of course he has to criticize anything and everything about me. My mom is the same damn way. She got pissed at me for not being able to find somebody's address on Google. Then she comes home tells me what a fuck up I am. A few minutes later she comes to me and says "Oh, I found the address in about three seconds." Then she tries to apologize by saying oh I'm just so stressed! Your dad keeps bugging me to let him come home and bills are always coming in. It just goes on and on but its not real. I may sound harsh but if you knew her you would believe it too. She plays it up! She likes to act like the fucking victim! And I am so sick and tired of it! She LOVES to rub it in my face that my parents are fuck ups (she is my step mom and if I didn't believe that I have to stay there for her and my brothers and keep things together, believe me I would be gone). She brags on and on about what a great mother she is when she is never here and I'm the one taking care of everything! Plus, her two sons are fat little douche bags! The doctors literally told her that they are over weight but she won't believe it. And they call me fat.. ugh I may be fat, but not half as fat as them. She acts as if she is the only one working and doing everything. I'm working AND going to school AND taking care of everything in this damn house! I'm sorry for the rant but I had to get it out. It's been a really stressful day. I have had to deal with my three brothers today and my mom and I had both had today off meaning I had to eat waaay more than I ever would otherwise. And I'm tired because I only had a few hours of sleep plus I have been doing all chores around the house to try to make that bitch happy. I swear its impossible for her to just say thank you. I had like 900 cals because of her. I'm running for two hours tonight. And tomorrow I'm not eating anything.

BINGE

Why the hell is it that once night comes I have to go and binge!? I was doing so fucking well today and I had to screw it all up because I was craving that damn chocolate! And then I had to go for the chips!! What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I just sleep at night like a NORMAL person? Why do I have to be such a FAT fucking FAILURE?! It is really absolutely disgusting. I make myself sick. Its times like these that I wish I could throw up. I feel so gross and I lost all that control I worked so hard to have. I'm going to start the 2468 all over again tomorrow. I'll have 200 calories and I will run. I can't allow this to happen again.

Distraction

I am mostly typing out this post because I am in desperate need of a distraction. I don't know why it is getting so hard for me to resist food lately but I need to overcome it. I did well today though. I had string cheese= 80 cals and then a piece of bread with a very thin layer of peanut butter on it which is roughly 170 cals I went a little over the 200 calorie intake that i was going for but I can work it off later tonight.

I do feel a lot better than I did yesterday. It might be because I haven't looked in the mirror all day and have kept myself as busy as possible. I was feeling so horrible but I musy congratulate myself. I didn't cut. It has been about a week or so and I seem to be doing good. I hope I can keep it up.

I might just go to bed early tonight if I can. Last night I didn't get to sleep until after 4 am and the night before that it wasn't until around 5 am. Its been like that for roughly a month now and I need to sleep because this lack of sleep is really bringing me down and making it harder for me to do anything. Even sleeping pills don't work! I'm hoping that will change tonight though. Well I can't really think of anything else to type about so I will post again tomorrow I suppose. Stay Strong :)

In need of motivation

second day of my fast and you would think that I would be used to feeling like crap. I have such a bad headache and my stomach continues to growl like a freaking lion. It is so loud and every time it happens I come up with some lame excuse about having embarrassing gas or not feeling very well. It is quite ridiculous if you think about it.

I don't have much energy for anything... before my fast I was only eating like three hundred calories or less so I guess I can see why I am getting so weak and stuff but I need to get over it. I need to be thin, I need this control. Once I get past today and start the 2468, I will feel much better. Things will start to working a little more smoothly. I know I can get through this. It is getting harder, only because I have been working out much more than I ever used to.

Tomorrow is Monday, the day I start 2468. I'm not sure if I have lost or gained... I don't have a scale at my house and have to use my boyfriend's scale when I go to his house. I hope I lost more... I'm not sure I did though. What if I fail, as I always do? I can feel myself slipping, everyday I become more and more unworthy, I start feeling more and more worthless. Sometimes I don't even know why I try but then I look in the mirror, I see how disgusting I am. I can't continue to look like a fat blimp my whole life. I have stay strong. No matter how loud my stomach is or how tired I am.

So Forgetful

I have been forgetting to stretch in the mornings and I woke up so late today. At least it's an excuse to skip breakfast and lunch. I almost forgot that I was fasting. Can you believe it?! Luckily I didn't eat. I have been having such horrible memory lapses lately. Most likely from lack of sleep (I didn't fall asleep til 5 in the morning!) I'm working on that, I know good sleeping habits will help in losing weight.

I have decided to start making a to do list for myself everyday, so I can't forget what I need to do and if I need a distraction, I can just find something on that list and do it. They will be anything from pay the electric bill to take a shower to read a chapter in a book. That should help a lot. Plus writing to my pen pals should keep me busy as well.

New Plan

I decided to do another fast. Only for this weekend, then I will start the 2468 on Monday. I will allow myself water, tea and that 0 cal juice that my parents like to buy. I really need to stay focused now that I am so close to my goal weight. I got a bracelet in the mail today from my pen pal. Its a red and black beaded ana bracelet with silver hearts and a silver dragon fly. I love it and it will be a constant reminder of my goal for when I don't have access to a computer.

I just hope I will be able to get away with not eating during Christmas. It shouldn't be too hard. I have to go to my boyfriends house after I eat at my parent's so I can just say that I am eating with them and so can't eat a whole lot and when I get to my boyfriend's house I will tell him I already ate at my house. It should be ok. I must remember, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

I DID IT!!!!

I am now 105 pounds! I am going to go for 98 now! I could not be happier at the moment. I stayed at 100 cals today and have been distracting myself by cleaning the house non-stop. I am so happy I am so closs to my UGW!!! 98 is the perfect weight for me. I guess I should put down my stats since I haven't done that yet... I will do it at the end of this post.

I think I am going to try 2468. It should be easy and I hear it works really well. I think I will be able to stick to it. I am also going to work out every night for an hour or so. Hell, I'm going to work out until every muscle in my body can't move anymore. I need this more than anything right now.

Ever since my dad has left, I have been losing so much more weight. Its like a distraction from everything going on at home and all the stress I have. I mean I have slipped up once and cut but I am getting better at not doing it. Making this blog was one way for me to deal with my stresses, an alternative to cutting as well as a distraction from eating. It seems to be working well so far. Well, I need to get back to cleaning, see ya!


STATS: height:5' 2"
Weight: 105 pounds!!!
HW: 130
LW:105!!!

Starting fresh

Well, today went good except for that damn cookie... I felt like such a failure after eating it but I know I can do it. I just gotta make it up tomorrow. I'm going to work out for an hour today, mostly doing cardio. I'm also going to start stretching in the mornings. I read somewhere that it boosts the metabolism. Wish me luck!

First time

Well, this is my first time blogging but I must let you know right away, Some things on here may be triggering and I will not be held accountable if they are, I do not encourage this lifestyle for anyone, it is just the way I live. I must also warn that I may write about things that you may find... less than enjoyable, for that I am sorry but I want to give this a go.

That said, you may call me Mary (it is not my real name but I prefer it that way). I have suffered from an Ed for quite a while now and I feel writing about it will help me. I don't expect anyone to read my blogs. This writing is purely for my personal benefit.

So far, I have been fasting for two days and my stomach is still complaining and hurts quite a bit. I have one more day to endure, then I will break this fast slowly and start eating about 300-400 cals a day. I hope to be 105 pounds by the end of this month, I think I can do it. I am 109 at the moment, I only have 4 more pounds to go.