Day one

Ok technically day two considering the time but thats besides the point. I have decided to do the ABC diet. What better day to start than the first of the month? Did well. Ate my 400 calories with ease, went for a run earlier today and walked all around town because my car is broken down and its the only way to get around in this Hell of a town. Oh well, I burned plenty of calories I'm sure. I know I'll be sore in the morning. I worked out like crazy this morning.

Hmm... I will be visiting that wonderful boyfriend of mine in about a month and a half.. I wonder how much I can lose by then. Hopefully enough to make me happy for the time being. Or at the very least, a manageable weight. I don't want to be all fat and self conscious when I see him and I think I have put on some weight these past few weeks. Apparently the scale I was using doesn't even work... I'm 115!!!! I'm a fucking cow.

It is changing though. I will not stand for this. I'm going to the store on monday to buy a few things, a new scale is at the top of my list. Diet soda, fruit and veggies will also be high on my list of course. I need to be at least 100 when I see him. I can lose 15 pounds in a month and a half, right? I mean, if need be I can add a few more fast days to my ABC diet and exercise a little more. Who knows. I'll get it figured out though. I'll go crazy otherwise. All I know is I need to get the fat off fast.

Holiday is finally over

So glad its all over with. I managed to get by eating a bare minimum and even had a little fun. The only problm is that My boyfriend saw PT in my history... naturally curious, he opened it and saw what it was. I ended up lying and pretending not to know anything about it. I even told him it was probably a site one of my friends went on when they borrowed my lap top.

I feel so bad for lying to him but I couldn't tell him. I'm just not ready. He believed it but now makes fun of me for being anorexic or bulimic. Thats pretty hurtful and makes me pretty upset. I told him it wasn't funny and that my friend could have a serious problem. He stopped thank goodness.

Other than that small little bump, my holiday went fairly well. Hope it all went ok for you as well!

I'm Hungry

So, naturally, I post. Christmas eve tomorrow... woo. I just got done decorating the tree we got at least a week ago... Sorry to bore you all but I have a terrible feeling that this is going to be a rambling post. Something to keep me from entering the kitchen. I'm feeling fairly strong at the moment. Maybe if I go to take a shower. Lets see, if I plan my night, I won't have to worry so much about what may happen. I don't know why but having a plan always makes me feel a bit more in control and less worried that I will fail.

So after this post I will take a shower. Then go onto PT or some other site for a while. Talk to my boyfriend. Listen to music. Exercise! Read, write. Basically anything to distract me.

What a disgusting being I am... Starving myself. For what? Beauty, happiness? I know its crazy but I actually believe I will be happier skinnier. Even though I know once I get to my goal weight, I will just set another one. Lower and lower until someone realizes what is going on and stuffs me into a ward so they can stuff me with calories. Or am I hoping to just fade away in general? Be so thin, I literally disappear. How lovely would that be?

I can't be so lucky, though. I'm too selfish. I believe that things will somehow get better.

In a way, I suppose they have... I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend and I live just to feel that emotion. Oblivious to sadness. It goes somewhere deep in my mind. Doesn't show its face until I am alone. Occasionally, I see a glimpse of it when food is around or when my mind wonders to something that hurts me and then he talks and it hides again.

I hope this lasts.

I don't want to fuck this up like so many other things.

I'm so afraid of losing him. I do everything I can to make him as happy as he makes me. I'm so terrified, I know I'm not good enough for him. I'm so broken, I know I deserve such happiness as he gives me. But dammit, I'm going to keep him as long as I can. I have never felt such dependance on someone. I feel absolutely ridiculous writing about it but the words I write are so true. I really have fallen hard for this guy...

Christmas Dinner

Ham, turkey, mashed potatoes and all the like. Ah Christmas dinner is upon us.

I am not looking forward to this dinner at all. I will be spending it with my boyfriend and his family so of course they will be having me try all the dishes at the table. I will be expected to eat. I know laxatives aren't safe but I do intend to use them, I will try to use any excuse I can to eat as little as possible as well. The fail safe excuse "I don't feel very well" will probably do just fine. I haven't used it with him yet so I'm sure it will suffice.

I despise holidays, not just for the whole "I'm anorexic and I have to eat to make sure people aren't suspicious" but also for the whole "put on a good show so people don't see how sad and dysfunctional you really are" thing. I mean, it is a little less stressful now that family isn't around, I guess. It douesn't help that they want nothing to do with me anymore however.

I don't think I have explained the whole family hating me situation on here. I told my mother that I was planning on spending christmas with the boyfriend and my mom bought me a plane ticket anyways hoping to guilt trip me into going to see her. It worked, I was on my way to the airport when the tire blew out. When I was able to call my mom and let her know what happened, she was furious. She told me I was lying and that I was just looking for an excuse to stay off that plane and waste her money. Sh now refuses to talk to me and went as far as to shut my phone off, even telling my family that I am a terrible backstabber. 'Tis the season.

So here is a question for the readers: What are your plans for this lovely holiday?

Back again

Boy how many times have I said that now? Oh well, I am here posting again. Things are going quite well for the most part. I have an apartment now with.. Kevin and another friend of ours. I know awkward right? Considering he is my ex, but I needed a permanent place to stay and this way O have that. My jobis within walking distance now and I'm not the only one paying rent.

How does my boyfriend feel about this? I wouldn't have moved in if he minded. He seems to be completely ok with it. Even when I asked him if he was ok with it he said "why should it matter? You are in a stable place now and thats all that counts." He really cares for me and I can actually trust him! I feel so happy with him, so different than when I am aone. He is here for a few weeks now so I won't feel as lonely as I do when he is gone. I love it when he is here, that dark non-feelingness stays at bay when he is with me.

I still haven't told him about my ana problem, I'm still not ready. I have been failing a bit with that since he has come back to town though... I mean I haven't gained anything but I'm not losing either and thats what is killing me. I hate that. I boosted up my exercise though and am restricting some more. WIsh me luck, lots of love!

Itching to get out

Well, I'm back. Finally have internet again. So much has happened. My family moved out of state so now I am living with a friend and her family. Suits me just fine to be honest. They don't pay attention to my habits and they have a scale in the bathroom. Makes things easier. I go to work while she goes to school and I'm usually never home anyways. I buy food and help with groceries. I give them no reason to believe that I don't eat. I go running almost every night and they they don't say anything about other than that they wish they had my dedication.

I also have a new boyfriend. I'm now doing well and am completely over Kevin. I'm so happy with him. He doesn't know about my condition though... We have only been together for about a month and it has been going so well. I don't want to ruin this. I'm so afraid of losing him. He makes me so happy. Its long distance so he calls me everyday, several times a day. We text constantly and when we see each other, it is fantastic. I feel so complete when I'm with him. It is so different than when I'm alone. I never feel that pressing numbness with him. I barely think about food at all. He even goes running with me. Its bliss with him.

I want to tell him though.

I want to share my secrets with him. He's older than me, twenty-two. But sometimes, I feel older than him. I feel these secrets weighing down. I want to share with him. I want him to enfold me in his arms and tell me everything will be alright. I want him to kiss the tears away and tell me he will help me through this.

I'm afraid to tell him.

What if its too much for him? I don't want to ruin his happiness. In every meaningful relationship I have, I wind up bringing a shadow over it. Every time. Just because I feel the need to tell them. Because I believe they deserve to know. And they do but it brings them so much unhappiness. I won't tell him right away. I will wait a little while longer. I intend to tell him... just not yet.

Its Not Ever Gonna Stop

I was going to go to the river today with a couple friends. I would have been a third wheel as they are dating and that is the excuse I gave them... really, I was just feeling really fat. My thighs looked waaay to big to me today so I told them to have fun and went for a walk. I haven't eaten anything all day so far and I hope to keep it that way.

I just felt so crappy about myself today.
I kept staring at y thighs....
"too big. too ugly. fat, fat, fat."
Constantly running through my mind. I'm so sick of looking at my fat, I need to be thin and perfect. I need to lose. I have been staying in control and I'm terrified to lose it. I'm too afraid to even take a bite of something low cal otherwise I'll go on a huge binge.

I'm going to exercise a little later today for an hour or so. For some reason my mind is going crazy. I need to burn cals and I need to keep focused on my goal. I don't know what is causing this restlessness in me. It worries me a bit because it causes me to lose sleep and makes me want to cut. This itch just under the surface makes it almost unbearable.

Can you spell "success?"

I managed to keep myself almost completely pure this whole last week while in Nevada. My family never noticed me not eat. All I had to do was take two or three bites of whatever was on the table during dinner. I ran every morning and stayed busy during the day. I even lost 4 pounds! 113 pounds now! 15 more pounds to go!

Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm going to fast and run every morning. Before the trip, I was getting kinda lazy and only running a couple days a week. Not anymore. I'm so close, I'm gonna work my ass off for this!

Ooook.. soo I wrote another poem. Sorry but being the crazy person I am, I have to post it :P

I have no name for it yet and its kinda short but oh well. I may even add to it. I'm not quite sure yet though.


Watch out for another breakdown
As you put on your fake crown
Staring at me with your mocking smile
As I sit down and cry a while
I never wanted it to get this far
I left myself open for you to mar
Now I stand alive but broken
With these words left unspoken

Who Says You Can't Win?

I did very well today, I made myself a cup of popcorn. No butter or salt. It was only 35 calories. I also had 2 cans of diet Dr Pepper.

Tomorrow I go on my Nevada trip with the family. I'm really worried that I will ruin everything on this trip. I may not be able to do the 2468 like I want to but I will eat as little as I can and exercise as much as I can. I know I can at least lose a couple pounds on this trip. I'm going to put my goal at 7 pounds. I think I can do that. I'm going to stay as positive as possible.

Boys, boys, boys...

I'm hungry so I need a distraction, which is why I am posting again tonight ha ha. This isn't so much a "food problem" post as much as an "Idiot Boy Problem/I Am So Stupid" post. Ok sooo... I guess Kevin and I are sort of a thing... in a way? I mean we have sex and go on dates. We talk and text every day,we even tell each other we love each other. so we kind of have a thing, obviously, but I'm pretty sure he is going around behind my back and sleeping with other girls.

so...Bret wants to hang out with me when I get back, which surprises me. Last I checked, he didn't want anything to do with me. But he sent me a text saying that he missed me and wants to hang out as soon as we can. I said I would but I'm just not sure if I really should... I mean, would Kevin get mad? I really want to hang out with Bret though, I can't stop thinking about him. I love Kevin, I'm almost certain of that, but something about Bret... I just don't know. So since Kevin is possibly sleeping with other girls, is it wrong for me to want to hang out with Bret... even possibly hope for something to happen?

He is going to be gone next year anyways, so why not? I mean, he just said "hang out" it isn't like we are planning to have sex or anything... even though, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't really mind too much.

I think I will hang out with him... I'll work on losing weight while in Nevada, of course. If something happens then something happens. I'm just going to let things take its course. Hell, it might just be an innocent thing. You know, two friends catching up before parting ways again. Ugh, I just have a huge problem with over thinking things. That is probably all it is. I keep thinking he wants more than what he says but I am probably totally wrong.

Did Well Today

All I ate today was an apple, I split it up into 5 parts. One part for breakfast, one for lunch, one for a snack, one for dinner and one for dessert. My stomach feels amazingly empty. I am going to be eating 400 calories tomorrow.

I'm going to Nevada in a couple days. I'm going to be there for about a week with a bunch of family. I don't know how I'm going to do this without someone noticing my eating habits... Can I feign being ill for a whole week? Somehow I seriously doubt it. I'm just gonna have to work out a ridiculous amount whenever I have alone time... which will probably be when everyone is sleeping.... ugh. This is going to be a very long week.

The surface may be still...

It has been way too long since I have been able to get on here. My family has been monitoring everything, they thought I was on drugs because I have been "distant and quiet." Funny how they finally take notice to me and they still have it all wrong.

I'm now 117 pounds... it is absolutely disgusting. I have managed to get my family off my back though. I told them the usual lies: "I have just been busy and stressed" "Not feeling well" "have a lot on my mind right now." I could be a fucking actress with how well I can talk my way out of situations like that. Of course, it isn't all me... my family just tends to be ignorant and uncaring. They are willing to take any excuse as long as things are kept under wraps and away from the ears of outsiders.

Now that I have pacified the family, I am gonna be working on losing weight again. I'll have to go about it more carefully but I can do it. I know I can.

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

It has been a while since I have posted. I have been doing well. I have been eating less than 300 calories a day lately. I have no appetite. Absolutely no urge to eat or anything. It is kind of nice... not really worrying about food. I just go about my day, keeping busy and keeping my mind on all things but food. It is really helping me to stay on track.

I have been feeling slightly blah but otherwise ok. I have lost weight again, I'm now at 105 again. I hope I stay that way, or continue to lose. Definitely want to continue to lose. I want to be that 98 pounds. I believe I can do it if I continue with this. Exercising for a few hours a day really helps.

Some things I have been doing to burn calories and resist food:
1) When watching tv, I do jumping jacks during commercials.
2) When I do feel hungry I leave the house and go for a walk.
3) I constantly have gum with me, at all times.
4) Write my weight on my hand to remind myself what I need to lose.
5)Dance around in my room :P





P.S. I know the title has nothing to do with my post :p I just like the quote

Still, it continues

Got a new plan that I am going to start on Sunday. I'm going to do the 2468 diet, starting with 200 cals on Sunday, 400 on Monday, 600 on Tuesday and 800 on Thursday, then fast on Friday. I'll start it all over again and do three cycles of it. I'm a little worried about eating 800 calories and might tweak that to 600 or something.

I'm sort of out of my insane, mental, sad mode. I don't know for how long but its nice to feel something other then what I have been lately. I think the whole breakdown I had was much needed or something. All I know is I don't want it coming back so I'm gonna be working not only on my body but also on my mind, if that makes any sense. I can't really explain at the moment, I don't even know entirely what I mean but once I do, I'll be sure to document it here.

Trying to breath again

I cry even as I type. When will this end? Its always the same. Either I'm filled with self loathing and disgust, sadness, anger, depression, all directed towards myself.. Or I feel nothing at all. Just this all consuming nothing, which makes me want to cut and hurt myself more. I can't stop, no matter how hard I try. I have no one to turn to. There is Kevin, as I have mentioned in other posts but he is high as fuck right now and probably wouldn't give a shit about me anyways. Who could?

I'm such a fucked up mess. And apparently fuck is the word of the night... I'm sorry, for all the cussing. I'm just so sick of crying. This pain and sadness, this nothingness. Yet, I can't make it stop. No matter how hard I try. I'm really alone. Despite my allusions of friends and Kevin. I can never really turn to them like I need to. There is only the readers of this blog, and that helps...more than I thought it would. It doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do but writing this stuff down keeps me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.