Boys, boys, boys...

I'm hungry so I need a distraction, which is why I am posting again tonight ha ha. This isn't so much a "food problem" post as much as an "Idiot Boy Problem/I Am So Stupid" post. Ok sooo... I guess Kevin and I are sort of a thing... in a way? I mean we have sex and go on dates. We talk and text every day,we even tell each other we love each other. so we kind of have a thing, obviously, but I'm pretty sure he is going around behind my back and sleeping with other girls.

so...Bret wants to hang out with me when I get back, which surprises me. Last I checked, he didn't want anything to do with me. But he sent me a text saying that he missed me and wants to hang out as soon as we can. I said I would but I'm just not sure if I really should... I mean, would Kevin get mad? I really want to hang out with Bret though, I can't stop thinking about him. I love Kevin, I'm almost certain of that, but something about Bret... I just don't know. So since Kevin is possibly sleeping with other girls, is it wrong for me to want to hang out with Bret... even possibly hope for something to happen?

He is going to be gone next year anyways, so why not? I mean, he just said "hang out" it isn't like we are planning to have sex or anything... even though, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't really mind too much.

I think I will hang out with him... I'll work on losing weight while in Nevada, of course. If something happens then something happens. I'm just going to let things take its course. Hell, it might just be an innocent thing. You know, two friends catching up before parting ways again. Ugh, I just have a huge problem with over thinking things. That is probably all it is. I keep thinking he wants more than what he says but I am probably totally wrong.

Did Well Today

All I ate today was an apple, I split it up into 5 parts. One part for breakfast, one for lunch, one for a snack, one for dinner and one for dessert. My stomach feels amazingly empty. I am going to be eating 400 calories tomorrow.

I'm going to Nevada in a couple days. I'm going to be there for about a week with a bunch of family. I don't know how I'm going to do this without someone noticing my eating habits... Can I feign being ill for a whole week? Somehow I seriously doubt it. I'm just gonna have to work out a ridiculous amount whenever I have alone time... which will probably be when everyone is sleeping.... ugh. This is going to be a very long week.

The surface may be still...

It has been way too long since I have been able to get on here. My family has been monitoring everything, they thought I was on drugs because I have been "distant and quiet." Funny how they finally take notice to me and they still have it all wrong.

I'm now 117 pounds... it is absolutely disgusting. I have managed to get my family off my back though. I told them the usual lies: "I have just been busy and stressed" "Not feeling well" "have a lot on my mind right now." I could be a fucking actress with how well I can talk my way out of situations like that. Of course, it isn't all me... my family just tends to be ignorant and uncaring. They are willing to take any excuse as long as things are kept under wraps and away from the ears of outsiders.

Now that I have pacified the family, I am gonna be working on losing weight again. I'll have to go about it more carefully but I can do it. I know I can.

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

It has been a while since I have posted. I have been doing well. I have been eating less than 300 calories a day lately. I have no appetite. Absolutely no urge to eat or anything. It is kind of nice... not really worrying about food. I just go about my day, keeping busy and keeping my mind on all things but food. It is really helping me to stay on track.

I have been feeling slightly blah but otherwise ok. I have lost weight again, I'm now at 105 again. I hope I stay that way, or continue to lose. Definitely want to continue to lose. I want to be that 98 pounds. I believe I can do it if I continue with this. Exercising for a few hours a day really helps.

Some things I have been doing to burn calories and resist food:
1) When watching tv, I do jumping jacks during commercials.
2) When I do feel hungry I leave the house and go for a walk.
3) I constantly have gum with me, at all times.
4) Write my weight on my hand to remind myself what I need to lose.
5)Dance around in my room :P





P.S. I know the title has nothing to do with my post :p I just like the quote