Beauty, Pain and Pleasure... What's A Girl to Do?

I have been running my conversations with Bret over and over in my mind, his mannerisms, his tone of voice... his looks. Ugh, I want him. I have been starving myself like crazy just so I can look halfway decent for him. I have raised my hopes so much for this guy and I am so sure they will be dashed. Smashed to pieces on the floor.

Once again, I find myself slipping. My sanity going slowly. Slipping. I know what my "friends" say about me. They think I'm nothing but a whore. They have no idea what happened with Kevin and they hear all the rumors about me sleeping with some guy or other. I don't think Bret has heard them, luckily he doesn't hang around the same crowd as I do.

My self esteem is getting even worse. I find myself unable to sleep at night because all I think about is how empty my stomach is, how weak and ugly I am. It has gotten so bad lately that I have been taking Hydrocodone pills (two to be exact..) and three sleeping pills along with a sip or two of alcohol. I know it sounds terrible but I can't feel even remotely sorry for it. It makes me feel numb and I'm ok with it... Oddly, I am ok with feeling numb as long as it is self induced. I don't have much time so this is another short post. I will be sure to post more as soon as I have time.

107!!!!!!

Thaaat's right! I made it back down to 107. I'm 9 pounds away from my UGW!! I am so excited about this! I will finally look perfect for Bret. Skinny, like I always imagine myself to be.

Speaking of Bret... oi vey... Well I have no idea how to let Kevin down. He has hurt me pretty badly, cheating on me and ignoring me for so long. Finally when I am ready to move on, he tries to suck me back in. He claims to love me more than anything, tells me he needs me. And though he has hurt me, I am afraid to hurt him.

Then there is Bret... tall, funny, intelligent Bret. I like him so much. We have been texting every night, talking everyday. He really seems to like me, I am amazed. I just hope this all works out. I really want to be more than friends with Bret. I'm just a little closer to getting him.... a few more pounds and I WILL have him. Wow, just listen to me. I sound like a psycho... But 107! I'm so happy!

"You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too"

Well, as you know, I had a tutoring session with Bret today. Nothing of interest happened. We studied for about 20 minutes and I was too nervous and stupid to think of anything funny or witty.

It doesn't matter though, tonight we have been texting since 11:30 pm and it is now 1:40 am. But before I get ahead of myself, let me tell you about earlier today...

Well, I was feeling a little dejected and more than a little upset about my idiocy at expecting anything with Bret during our tutor session. Kevin came along and I thought "hey, he still wants me. Why not him?" So I slept with him. I felt so dirty, though. Like, I wanted to cry during the whole thing. I just felt worse about myself.

And then I got a forward, of course I send it to Bret (any chance to talk to him). He texted back, playfully flirting back and forth. Turns out he does like me! And I like him (obviously). He wants me to really think about this before jumping into a relationship right away. He knows mine and Kevin's history and he says he doesn't want me to regret anything. So, that is what I am going to do. I can't really think rationally at the moment... I'm a little tipsy and I am still extremely happy that he likes me.

"Love is a Battlefield"

Ha ha I know what a lame title but I couldn't help my self. That was my cheesy side peeking out. Aaaanyways... Well... I have 6 guys on my plate, apparently. Kevin is telling me he wants me back, this guy named Buster (a total hottie but also a complete ass) keeps texting me and says I should have sex with him, then this guy, Carlos, is trying to get me to do stuff with him, And then a guy named Matt won't leave me alone and Cody is trying to get with me too and the only one I really want to pay attention to or have attention paid to me by is Bret.

What is it that these guys see?! Are they so desperate to have sex that they will take any fat lump of shit?! They are so annoying! I'm ignoring all but Bret. He is the only decent one, he askes me questions about myself and speaks of things that are actually relevant. He is so mature. Those other guys can't even compete with him, he is on a waaay higher level than them and I am determined to have him. Despite this ugly fat body I am cursed with, I will have him.

We were chatting with each other for like three hours tonight. It makes me feel good. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that he might like me but its so hard when it seems like he might... I just hope I don't blow whatever this is by doing something stupid.

Update... Oh Boy

Me and Kevin broke up.. not hat I didn't see it coming but doesn't mean I'm still not hurting about it. But, I guess I didn't exactly stop it from happening. I mean... I kinda told him my feelings about Bret and turns out I shouldn't have felt guilty about only having feeling for him. Kevin wound up cheating on me multiple times. Of course I cried and walked out on him. We haven't spoken to each other since. Buuut, I do have a tutor session with Bret tomorrow. I'm quite nervous.

We have been messaging back and forth on facebook and now we have each other's phone numbers so we have been texting as well. He makes me so nervous. And I really like him.

In other news, my mother is out of the hospital and making progress. My dad will be visiting on sunday. I also had a good day, only had 500 calories. Well I don't have much time today to type much but I will definitely let you know what happens with Bret tomorrow... I feel kind of pathetic. I keep expecting something to happen tomorrow when really, its likely nothing will happen at all.