Finally, I can smile

I have been doing very well so far. I have managed to work out at least an hour a day, doing core workouts as well as thighs, glutes and arms. I would do an hour of some thigh or core workout (I usually use one of those tacky 90's workout videos because they are funny and make me laugh and, lets face it, its so hard to find something that makes me smile anymore) then I go on the bike for half an hour, sometimes more if i feel the need. Things seem to finally be working out.

I have also been eating a piece of toast or yogurt every morning... well almost every morning because it can get the metabolism started for the day. Then I stick to 300-500 cals after that. It seems to be working well, though I admit, I haven't weighed myself yet... I'm kind of terrified to. I will soon though. I wish I could type more, but I have a lot to do. stay strong :)

I need this, I need this more than anything

How could I have let myself get this way? When did I start to get fat and ugly? When did I start this whole self destructive thing I have been doing for the past three years now? Am I really psycho and insane?

It gets so confusing... I want to be normal so much. I don't want to care about what I eat, how many calories something has or what days I will restrict and how much exercise I will get. But no matter how much I want to be normal... I want to be thin more. I need to be thin. I have known this life for far too long and the thought of anything different is just so terrifying.

I need to lose weight, I need to be thin and beautiful in order to have any self worth. And I WILL be skinny! I am going to work day and night for it! I can't be a fat lard ass for the rest of y life and I know I have the strength and the ability to get to 98 pounds and I fully intend to do that! I have been losing focus and I can't allow that to happen. I will have to work twice as hard.

Loving you is harder than you know

Why must I always be such a fuck up? I have been bingeing non-stop for days. Kevin is leading me on and I am letting him. He says he isn't sure if he wants to date me but we act like we are dating when nobody else is around. He texts and talks about other girls all the time, knowing that it makes me jealous. I have a feeling he is using me... well more than just a feeling but I can't help but want to be with him. It has always been him. Even when I talked about Bret, Anthony and Cody. I just had to try and forget him, so I threw myself at other guys.

I just hope he won't leave me. I couldn't stand that. I have already been cutting and bingeing like crazy. I'm not happy and I can't change it unless I'm with Kevin... he makes me feel whole. I actually feel so happy with him. I know, in the long run this is just going to completely destroy me but I'm not willing to stop it.

Hate is such a strong word, love is too but we have no problem throwing that word about

I can't stop hating myself. I keep thinking of all my mistakes. I used to be able to find at least one redeeming quality, yet now, all I see are mistakes. I see things I could have done better, things I could have said, should have said. Things I shouldn't have done or said at all.

I carpool up with Kevin everyday for my classes... I see him often and I rely on him more than I ever care to admit. I know he will never be with me again and I couldn't ever deserve it anyways. I was so selfish and stupid. Clingy and more than a little too trusting. I keep trying to forget about him but how can I forget about someone I see on a daily basis? Of course I need to stop being such a whore, meaning no more fucking him, no more texting or flirting. From now on, I will refuse to think of him as often as I have been lately. I will try to forget about him as I have been trying to for the past few months.

And to top it off I fucking BINGED!!! I'm a fat, disgusting whore! Ugh, I gross myself out. I don't deserve the love I tend to go on about so often in this rather whiny blog. I disgust myself.

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more

I suppose I am smarter than I originally thought. I didn't do anything with Cody. I am ignoring him completely. He never liked me enough to really want anything but sex from me. Besides, I'm still stuck on Bret.. and maybe a bit on Kevin if truth be told.

I just wish I could meet someone who loved me for me. Who could take the ugly along with the few good things. Who am I kidding, though? How can I expect anyone to love me for me when I am too afraid to be myself around anyone... I mean the last time I was with someone who knew everything about me was Kevin and look how that ended. I'm too afraid to open up to anyone and even if I did, whose to say he will stay? There are suitors of course, but none that I can see myself with. Bret was one I might have been able to be with but now he keeps a safe but friendly distance. I can't say I blame him, I mean it's me. Doesn't stop me from being hurt by it, no matter how much I try to ignore it and act like its ok.

I just wish I could find someone who wasn't just in it for sex.. I mean, I know I can be promiscuous, but that's usually when I feel like complete shit about myself or when I really like the guy. I think that's why i liked Bret so much, he never tried to have sex with me, he seemed to genuinely like my company, apparently not enough, though.

Now, Kevin is texting me, asking to send him naked pictures. Why is it that when I get rid of one guy, another one comes along and the one I want seems to want nothing to do with me? Ugh, things are always so irritatingly complicated. I don't even know why I bother.Things would be so much easier if I were dead, but I can never bring myself to do it. No matter how much I starve or cut. Well, I feel pretty crappy, luckily my text buddy and I are doing a three day liquid fast. It is just what I need to start feeling a little better about myself. I need to get to my ultimate goal weight soon!