Its Not Ever Gonna Stop

I was going to go to the river today with a couple friends. I would have been a third wheel as they are dating and that is the excuse I gave them... really, I was just feeling really fat. My thighs looked waaay to big to me today so I told them to have fun and went for a walk. I haven't eaten anything all day so far and I hope to keep it that way.

I just felt so crappy about myself today.
I kept staring at y thighs....
"too big. too ugly. fat, fat, fat."
Constantly running through my mind. I'm so sick of looking at my fat, I need to be thin and perfect. I need to lose. I have been staying in control and I'm terrified to lose it. I'm too afraid to even take a bite of something low cal otherwise I'll go on a huge binge.

I'm going to exercise a little later today for an hour or so. For some reason my mind is going crazy. I need to burn cals and I need to keep focused on my goal. I don't know what is causing this restlessness in me. It worries me a bit because it causes me to lose sleep and makes me want to cut. This itch just under the surface makes it almost unbearable.

Can you spell "success?"

I managed to keep myself almost completely pure this whole last week while in Nevada. My family never noticed me not eat. All I had to do was take two or three bites of whatever was on the table during dinner. I ran every morning and stayed busy during the day. I even lost 4 pounds! 113 pounds now! 15 more pounds to go!

Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm going to fast and run every morning. Before the trip, I was getting kinda lazy and only running a couple days a week. Not anymore. I'm so close, I'm gonna work my ass off for this!

Ooook.. soo I wrote another poem. Sorry but being the crazy person I am, I have to post it :P

I have no name for it yet and its kinda short but oh well. I may even add to it. I'm not quite sure yet though.


Watch out for another breakdown
As you put on your fake crown
Staring at me with your mocking smile
As I sit down and cry a while
I never wanted it to get this far
I left myself open for you to mar
Now I stand alive but broken
With these words left unspoken

Who Says You Can't Win?

I did very well today, I made myself a cup of popcorn. No butter or salt. It was only 35 calories. I also had 2 cans of diet Dr Pepper.

Tomorrow I go on my Nevada trip with the family. I'm really worried that I will ruin everything on this trip. I may not be able to do the 2468 like I want to but I will eat as little as I can and exercise as much as I can. I know I can at least lose a couple pounds on this trip. I'm going to put my goal at 7 pounds. I think I can do that. I'm going to stay as positive as possible.