Not too shabby

Well today I had,
1 low fat yogurt (160 cals)
2 breakfast bar (280 cals)
1/2 cup of hamburger helper minus the hamburger (100 cals)
1 low fat chocolate bar (40 cals)
today's total intake: 580 calories It was a good day.

My mother is still in the hospital, my dad in rehab and here I am again. Watching my brothers, being ignored by my boyfriend and getting texted by the guy I'm beginning to like more than I really should. Hmm...

Things I Want to do Before I Kick the Bucket

1) Go to Greece
2) Beat someone at a game of chess
3) Cage dive
4) Pet a dolphin
5) Visit all the continents
6) Stand on both sides of the equator
7) Stand on the four corners
8) Get a tattoo
9) Take a road trip to Maine
10) Scuba dive in the great barrier reef
11) Make a difference in someone's life
12) Meet a few of my favorite bands
13) Read all seven of Jane Austen's books
14)Learn the Thriller dance ha ha
15) Be in a mosh pit
16) Learn at least three different languages
17) Meet my goal weight by February 28th and maintain it

Lets start a riot

I'm so sick of crying! I'm so sick of being let down and feeling worthless! Why do I do this to myself?! Because I need it! I need to be perfect! I need to be beautiful! Things will start to get better, I have to believe that. I need to stop writing such depressing posts and be more positive. I need to continue trying no matter how shitty things are. I can do this! And for anyone out there feeling kicked around and worthless, you're not! You ARE worth something and you can get through anything! You are strong and beautiful and don't let anyone else tell you different! We will win because we have to! Reading Ophelia's blog made me realize that I need to be more positive. That I can stay strong. And if I can then so can you! So hang in there. I love my little group of followers :)

"Well I Wish You Were as Good as You at Caring and Trusting"

My mom tried to commit suicide.. I found her on the floor in the bathroom. I had to call the ambulance and they pumped her stomach. I'm so shaken right now. I feel terrible. I just feel like I keep getting kicked while already on the ground. I'm just failing at everything. I have to be strong for everyone. I have been crying almost every time I find myself alone. I don't know how to make things better. I'm so lost.

I'm trying though, that has to count for something right? I mean, I'm not going to give up. As much as I think about just giving up and cutting deep enough to kill doesn't mean I will. My family needs me and I could never do that to them. I may lie and sneak but I would never leave them like that. It is such a selfish act. That is why I'm so mad at my mom. How could she do that to us?

I will find a way to fix my family though. My dad is already in rehab.. that's a step forward. My mom will get help to.. she has to. I have to fix this. I'm the only one who can.

"Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels..."

Do you have any idea how often I repeat this to myself non-stop, all the time.Instead of having a "proper" breakfast or lunch, I had a low fat yogurt for each meal. You would think I would be miserable in my hunger but being the freak I am, I enjoy it! I love the emptiness and the feeling of being light. I'm perfectly happy being hungry and starving myself. I don't understand what's wrong with me! Why would anyone want this?

I have a friend who I am beginning to despise because she is saying that she is anorexic. She eats like one meal a day, one time and decides she wants to be anorexic "just to lose this baby fat." Her exact words. It makes me so mad!! Who does that shit?! I'm sorry for the cussing but, you can't just DECIDE to be anorexic to lose weight. It doesn't work like that! She just makes me feel so angry because she uses it as a way to get more attention!! There is a lot more to it than just losing weight. There is guilt, sadness, the self abuse... I mean I don't think she even knows what anorexia is. She doesn't see it as a disease. I went to her house yesterday and she had like 3 pieces of cake to herself, laughs and says "I can stop being anorexic for a little while." It just makes me so mad!!

well...

I was planning on fasting today but I ended up cooking dinner for the family. I couldn't help it, I had to eat something. So I had a fat free yogurt (140 calories) and thats it. I think its alright though. I played my DDR for an hour or so and burned 300 calories :) Tomorrow is sunday and I'm going to have to focus all my energies on studying for my bio test. I also have an essay to write and as my list clearly states, I need to finish my homework, whether or not I care about the grades. I care for my sanity and I believe if I don't do something about this whole not feeling thing, I'm afraid of what I will do to myself.

lalalalala

Well here I am again. 1 am and still unable to sleep. I find it doesn't bug me half as much as it used to. This is the time my mind winds up doing its most interesting ramblings. I just can't seem to turn it off. I even got a burst of energy and danced randomly to 4 or 5 of Lady Gaga's songs... I'm usually not into that kind of music but I like her ha ha.. It did burn calories however and made me feel a little more like myself. More than I have in days. I really do need to remember to stop and enjoy the little things... even if it is dancing randomly at 1 in the morning. I even went out for a walk and sat on the beach for a little by myself. It is the most peaceful place to be. Hearing the waves, seeing the moon, having your toes in the sand. I love it. I prefer it at night, nobody is ever there and it can really put things into perspective for a person. I'm rambling.. but I can't sleep and I need something to do. I promise to add a couple pics of thinspo so its not a complete waste of your time to read this post :)

Well my dad is still in rehab, he doesn't seem to want to talk to me though. I try to call or text and he always gets off right away. Could it be guilt? Is he really just too busy? Or is he trying to move away from me and the rest of the family? I can't help but continue worrying about it. I don't want him to revert back to where he was before.

I'm also slightly worried that Kevin might be cheating.. There is this girl in his sculpture class that he claims to hate but he brings her up so often.. He trash talks her but he used to do that to another girl that used to hang out with our group of friends and he ended up cheating on me with her. This new girl, he says she hits on him all the time, he calls her disgusting, but she is really pretty and skinny, she is the model he is supposed to be sculpting.. and today he let slip that he texted her. Only to tell her that he can't make it to tutor her in sculpting but...still... how did he get her number? I'm probably being really paranoid and stupid but we didn't fight or anything until he started mentioning her. I don't really knoe what to think so I'm sort of on my toes with that.

In other news, I think I did ok today food wise. I'm going to fast tomorrow, I can't wait. I really
can't wait to feel that empty feeling. Ok done with the ramblings, here is that thinspo I promised.

"But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on"

Ok, So I realize my last few posts have been kind of dark and sad and all... so while I was in bed last night trying to get to sleep, a thought entered my little brain. I guess you could call it an epiphany. Anyways, I realized that I don't have to continue feeling this way. I can change it. I have been feeling empty and so morose lately and that is not what I want to continue because it is just throwing everything off. I have compiled a list of things that will (hopefully) make things better and make me feel better.

1) Try something new everyday. Can be a big or small thing
2) Only aloud 500-600 cals a day
3) Exercise at least once a day for at least half an hour
4) Read a little bit everyday
5) Finish all homework on time
6) Avoid arguments with the boyfriend and try to work things out
7) Keep busy and do things whether I feel like it or not.
8) Try to smile and laugh like I used to


Well... its not a very long list but if anyone reading this has any suggestions, don't hesitate to share :) I can always use a second opinion on things.

"If the clouds opened up and started pouring rain, it would be easier that way"

I have been slipping more and more, not just in my ED but in everything. My friends, my relationship, my eating habits, my work, school. It is all just getting worse and worse. I find myself unable to care. I haven't been on Skinnydoll in so long. Today was the first time on the site and I find I have nothing to say to anyone no matter how much I want to say something. Everything is turning into this irrelevant blur that I am separate from. People continue going about their lives and I continue to go into somewhere else, inside myself and rot from the inside out. I used to stop every once and a little while, to take everything in and enjoy the little things that few seemed to notice. Now I just go about my business in this sort of robot trance, not even caring anymore. I used to have ideas, imagination. I used to laugh and smile for real. i used to enjoy going outside in the sun or dancing in the rain and now I sit inside looking out at the cloudy dark weather or the sunlit yard and brood. I can't stand being around people anymore. I really hope this changes soon because I'm going insane. I feel like I'm completely losing myself and I don't know how to stop it.

Ramblings of an Eighteen Year Old Nothing

Looking in the mirror, all alone
This knife in her hand,
Sliding down almost to the bone

Thoughts racing through her mind
They don't see her suffer
They all turn their heads, blind

Memories cut deeper than that knife
Things she can't forget
She cuts again, hoping to end her life

The pain sets in, the tears start to fall
She falls to the ground
She crawls out into the hall

Those memories still stuck in her head
She lays down and starts to cry
unmoving, wishing to be dead

Many hours later, she gets to her feet
still there in that hall
Her heart still pounding its beat

She is ready to face the day with a smile
Laughing and talking
With those cuts still there all the while



Ok, so i am not much of a poet but I tend to write poems every now and then. I get lines in my head and I have to write them down or I go crazy. It just happens. I really like this one though, so I had to share. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think, on any poems I put up here.

Binge Binge BINGE!!!

Ugh, its true. I failed miserably today...
burger
fries
pizza
I had to eat normal because I wasn't left alone for one second. I was with my friend all day and she would have thought it was weird that I didn't eat anything... I could have said no to the fries at least though...

I shouldn't be making excuses for myself. Now my stomach is disgustingly full and I can't even exercise because my mom doesn't work tonight and I would end up being up all night anyways with all the homework that I have yet to do.

Some good news though. My dad is going into rehab as an in patient for three months. He is making an effort to get better and though I am still mad and upset at him, I still love him and am glad he is finally trying to turn himself around. Its sad to see a grown man cry, however. Broke my heart when he started crying and telling me what a fuck up he has been to me and my brothers. Made me feel bad for all the times I have thought the exact same thing about him. What makes matters harder is that I know exactly how he feels when it comes to being a complete fuck up... I guess I'm not too different from my dad. We both have addictions. Both quite destructive. If I really begin to think about it, it makes me feel bad that I have hated him for his addiction, his lying and his distance when I am doing exactly the same thing. It also kind of makes sense though, I hate myself for what I put everyone through (though they don't know I have an ed its the same deceitfulness) so naturally I guess I would hate him as well as understand him in ways. He reminds me of myself... or I remind myself of him in a sense. Ana is my choice of drug. Meth is his. I envy the fact that he is strong enough to try and turn away from his addiction. I couldn't imagine life without striving to be perfect, without my ed... I don't know how it would be. I feel I need it. I want to get help but I can't and don't want to. I want to be skinny. Thats a disorder for you of course. Nobody says it has to make sense.

Restless

Well, I have managed to go through a three day fast successfully. Being in classes helps me stay busy. It also means little thought for anything else. My grades have slipped meaning I have to work three times harder to keep them up otherwise they will take away my financial aid, meaning I will have to pay it all on my own. I can't do that. Plus the added stress that my dad is here makes it that much worse, he keeps asking me to forgive him and I don't know what to say. So I say nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm not even sure if I want to forgive him to be honest. Its not like he has actually been a father to me anyways. I'm hurt and angry at him but he continues to do meth. I just feel like I'm drowning again and I hate that feeling more than anything. I have been so busy that I haven't been able to post in a few days let alone even concentrate on anything other than school, work and Kevin.

Kevin seems to be the only one who cares and yet, even he has been acting different. He talks about how pretty so and so is or how hot that girl is and they are all skinnier than me. It gives me more motivation but it also kinda makes me feel like crap. I know I'm not worth enough to be with him and when he mentions the other girls it makes me feel like he wants to be with one of them rather than with me. He deserves to be and I just fear that maybe he is beginning to realize that. If he is, I don't know what I will do without him. I need him, I lean on him so much. But with all my messes, I feel he shouldn't have to be put through that either. Just today he had to literally make me get out of bed and face the day because I felt like I couldn't do it. If I lose him, I don't think I will be able to function even semi-normally.

He says he loves me, though. He says he won't ever leave me, so I need to trust him and put my fears aside. I think it is just my exhausted and barely functional brain making a big deal out of something that isn't even going on.

I just need sleep.
ah sleep...
I need that so badly, how nice it would be to have a dreamless sleep.
But my nightmares persist.

There are two that I have most often, on is about me laying in bed with a cup cake just out of reach on the bed side table. As I reach for it I get fatter and fatter but I still try to reach for the cup cake. I begin choking on my own fat and that's when I wake up.
Another is, me just completely alone in the woods. Its dark and raining and I am freezing. The whole dream I am wandering around, terrified.
I hate those dreams so much.

Day by Day

I am doing a lot better now than when I was when I wrote my last post. I managed not to cut, though I still feel the need. I want to thank Ophelia for her kind comment as well. It was nice to view it as fighting rather than failing.

He is proud of me. He is happy and that is all that really matters. I must be perfect for him and the fact that I have managed this long without cutting makes me feel a little more optimistic. I also have been doing well with my control, only 300 calories today. I am really hoping to keep it up. I feel I can do it as long as I keep trying. I want to be perfect for him. I have been keeping busy with classes and chores and such. I just don't want to slip back into that dark place, where I was when I wrote that last post. It was the hardest thing in the world to keep from cutting but the thought of letting him down is just something I can't bare.

I feel I have to admit something. Something that I have been denying, even to myself, for months. Mostly because I feel guilty and slightly ashamed. His name is Bret. I have feelings for him and I know I shouldn't. I think that is causing a lot of confusion. I mean, I know I love Kevin. He means the world to me and that will never change. But I find myself randomly thinking of Bret and I feel guilty. I fall entirely too easy... but this is the first time since being with Kevin and I have been with him for almost 4 years now. I find myself thinking "I wonder if Bret will enjoy talking to me more once I am thinner" or "When I'm skinny, I won't feel self conscious around Bret anymore." Then I realize what I just thought and I feel so horrible. I shouldn't be thinking about Bret when Kevin has done so much for me. I know I don't deserve him and this makes me even more unworthy of him. Then there are times when I think how refreshing it is to have a new crush, someone new to desire. There are times when I think "it will pass, I shouldn't worry about it." So I think freely of him for a while... until I get a call or text from Kevin and feel that familiar twinge of guilt. I know it must pass, though...

Gosh, I meant this blog to be strictly about my ED and maybe occasionally about me trying to stop cutting, but now it seems to have turned into some sort of online diary... I'm sorry if you read all of my ramblings. So here is some thinspo. Enjoy :)

Help me survive here

I can feel my self slipping even further. Reverting back to the failure that I am. My hips itching to feel the scissors' blade, to punish me for being so selfish, for hurting everyone around me and for being weak. I feel like my careful control is going to be lost if I don't cut and I can't have that. There is nothing I want more than to see the blood, to have the blade slide across my skin right now.

I can't have that though. I am trying so hard not to cut again. He hates it. He will begin to hate me for it. My body wont be beautiful if I have scars all over. I need to keep reminding myself of this.. repeat it over and over. I should sleep.. sleep is becoming my best friend. I have been finding it easier to sleep, sleeping pills tend to help. I love the deep dreamless sleep I get sometimes. I am so blissfully unaware, unfeeling. And being wrapped up in his arms make it that much more amazing.

But I am failing him. Every hour it feels as if the urge to cut gets stronger. I'm sinking, I can feel it. Any time now and I will break down completely and I will go straight for my hidden scissors. I won't know what else to do. Then I will go to him, ashamed and broken. He will try to clean up my mess again and I will see the pain in his face, the anger in his eyes. I will feel so ashamed of myself.. so terribly ashamed and he will try to comfort me as if I deserve it... I don't want to do this to him again. I can't do this to him again.

Site you need to check out

Looking for motivation? How about support? Well skinnydoll is a great site for it all. honestly, it is as good as PT, I am personally a member and I think its an amazing site. So check it out! I think you will really enjoy it. Be warned, it is ED related so the site can't be held accountable for any triggers it may cause.

New Year, New Weight

I don't know what it is but I have actually been gaining quite a bit of weight... I went from 105 to 112 pounds. How the F*** did I do that!? I need to get back on track somehow... I don't understand how I could have gained so much weight!? I gained 7 pounds just randomly?! I bet its cause I have been having sort of a binge fest off and on these past two days... shit. Well its going to change. By the end of this month, I'm going to be back down to 105 pounds and by the end of February, I am going to be down to 98 pounds. I'm just glad PT isn't frozen anymore. That site helps me out so much. I don't know what I would do without it.

It is a new year and I believe I can get to my ultimate goal weight. Once my classes begin again, I will be able to put my mind on that and it will be easier to stay away from food and keep my mind focused on other things rather than eating. I will be gone all the time and away from my kitchen...

I'm trying to stay positive but I can feel myself slipping... back to the hateful words and curses my mind saves just for me... back to my dark place. Back to the cuts and back to my scissors, hidden away in my make up box. My careful control has been broken and the whispers in my head tell me I need to be punished. I can't though... it hurts him too much... I know it kills Kevin when he sees a fresh cut on my hip. I can't keep doing this to him. I have no choice but to lose the weight.. I have to stay focused on that. I need to continue ignoring those whispers, maybe one day I can go as far as throwing those scissors away forever and never cut again.. One day, when I am thin and beautiful. But until then... I'll keep them. I'm not strong enough to get rid of them yet. I'm too selfish.