Holiday is finally over

So glad its all over with. I managed to get by eating a bare minimum and even had a little fun. The only problm is that My boyfriend saw PT in my history... naturally curious, he opened it and saw what it was. I ended up lying and pretending not to know anything about it. I even told him it was probably a site one of my friends went on when they borrowed my lap top.

I feel so bad for lying to him but I couldn't tell him. I'm just not ready. He believed it but now makes fun of me for being anorexic or bulimic. Thats pretty hurtful and makes me pretty upset. I told him it wasn't funny and that my friend could have a serious problem. He stopped thank goodness.

Other than that small little bump, my holiday went fairly well. Hope it all went ok for you as well!

I'm Hungry

So, naturally, I post. Christmas eve tomorrow... woo. I just got done decorating the tree we got at least a week ago... Sorry to bore you all but I have a terrible feeling that this is going to be a rambling post. Something to keep me from entering the kitchen. I'm feeling fairly strong at the moment. Maybe if I go to take a shower. Lets see, if I plan my night, I won't have to worry so much about what may happen. I don't know why but having a plan always makes me feel a bit more in control and less worried that I will fail.

So after this post I will take a shower. Then go onto PT or some other site for a while. Talk to my boyfriend. Listen to music. Exercise! Read, write. Basically anything to distract me.

What a disgusting being I am... Starving myself. For what? Beauty, happiness? I know its crazy but I actually believe I will be happier skinnier. Even though I know once I get to my goal weight, I will just set another one. Lower and lower until someone realizes what is going on and stuffs me into a ward so they can stuff me with calories. Or am I hoping to just fade away in general? Be so thin, I literally disappear. How lovely would that be?

I can't be so lucky, though. I'm too selfish. I believe that things will somehow get better.

In a way, I suppose they have... I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend and I live just to feel that emotion. Oblivious to sadness. It goes somewhere deep in my mind. Doesn't show its face until I am alone. Occasionally, I see a glimpse of it when food is around or when my mind wonders to something that hurts me and then he talks and it hides again.

I hope this lasts.

I don't want to fuck this up like so many other things.

I'm so afraid of losing him. I do everything I can to make him as happy as he makes me. I'm so terrified, I know I'm not good enough for him. I'm so broken, I know I deserve such happiness as he gives me. But dammit, I'm going to keep him as long as I can. I have never felt such dependance on someone. I feel absolutely ridiculous writing about it but the words I write are so true. I really have fallen hard for this guy...

Christmas Dinner

Ham, turkey, mashed potatoes and all the like. Ah Christmas dinner is upon us.

I am not looking forward to this dinner at all. I will be spending it with my boyfriend and his family so of course they will be having me try all the dishes at the table. I will be expected to eat. I know laxatives aren't safe but I do intend to use them, I will try to use any excuse I can to eat as little as possible as well. The fail safe excuse "I don't feel very well" will probably do just fine. I haven't used it with him yet so I'm sure it will suffice.

I despise holidays, not just for the whole "I'm anorexic and I have to eat to make sure people aren't suspicious" but also for the whole "put on a good show so people don't see how sad and dysfunctional you really are" thing. I mean, it is a little less stressful now that family isn't around, I guess. It douesn't help that they want nothing to do with me anymore however.

I don't think I have explained the whole family hating me situation on here. I told my mother that I was planning on spending christmas with the boyfriend and my mom bought me a plane ticket anyways hoping to guilt trip me into going to see her. It worked, I was on my way to the airport when the tire blew out. When I was able to call my mom and let her know what happened, she was furious. She told me I was lying and that I was just looking for an excuse to stay off that plane and waste her money. Sh now refuses to talk to me and went as far as to shut my phone off, even telling my family that I am a terrible backstabber. 'Tis the season.

So here is a question for the readers: What are your plans for this lovely holiday?

Back again

Boy how many times have I said that now? Oh well, I am here posting again. Things are going quite well for the most part. I have an apartment now with.. Kevin and another friend of ours. I know awkward right? Considering he is my ex, but I needed a permanent place to stay and this way O have that. My jobis within walking distance now and I'm not the only one paying rent.

How does my boyfriend feel about this? I wouldn't have moved in if he minded. He seems to be completely ok with it. Even when I asked him if he was ok with it he said "why should it matter? You are in a stable place now and thats all that counts." He really cares for me and I can actually trust him! I feel so happy with him, so different than when I am aone. He is here for a few weeks now so I won't feel as lonely as I do when he is gone. I love it when he is here, that dark non-feelingness stays at bay when he is with me.

I still haven't told him about my ana problem, I'm still not ready. I have been failing a bit with that since he has come back to town though... I mean I haven't gained anything but I'm not losing either and thats what is killing me. I hate that. I boosted up my exercise though and am restricting some more. WIsh me luck, lots of love!

Itching to get out

Well, I'm back. Finally have internet again. So much has happened. My family moved out of state so now I am living with a friend and her family. Suits me just fine to be honest. They don't pay attention to my habits and they have a scale in the bathroom. Makes things easier. I go to work while she goes to school and I'm usually never home anyways. I buy food and help with groceries. I give them no reason to believe that I don't eat. I go running almost every night and they they don't say anything about other than that they wish they had my dedication.

I also have a new boyfriend. I'm now doing well and am completely over Kevin. I'm so happy with him. He doesn't know about my condition though... We have only been together for about a month and it has been going so well. I don't want to ruin this. I'm so afraid of losing him. He makes me so happy. Its long distance so he calls me everyday, several times a day. We text constantly and when we see each other, it is fantastic. I feel so complete when I'm with him. It is so different than when I'm alone. I never feel that pressing numbness with him. I barely think about food at all. He even goes running with me. Its bliss with him.

I want to tell him though.

I want to share my secrets with him. He's older than me, twenty-two. But sometimes, I feel older than him. I feel these secrets weighing down. I want to share with him. I want him to enfold me in his arms and tell me everything will be alright. I want him to kiss the tears away and tell me he will help me through this.

I'm afraid to tell him.

What if its too much for him? I don't want to ruin his happiness. In every meaningful relationship I have, I wind up bringing a shadow over it. Every time. Just because I feel the need to tell them. Because I believe they deserve to know. And they do but it brings them so much unhappiness. I won't tell him right away. I will wait a little while longer. I intend to tell him... just not yet.

Its Not Ever Gonna Stop

I was going to go to the river today with a couple friends. I would have been a third wheel as they are dating and that is the excuse I gave them... really, I was just feeling really fat. My thighs looked waaay to big to me today so I told them to have fun and went for a walk. I haven't eaten anything all day so far and I hope to keep it that way.

I just felt so crappy about myself today.
I kept staring at y thighs....
"too big. too ugly. fat, fat, fat."
Constantly running through my mind. I'm so sick of looking at my fat, I need to be thin and perfect. I need to lose. I have been staying in control and I'm terrified to lose it. I'm too afraid to even take a bite of something low cal otherwise I'll go on a huge binge.

I'm going to exercise a little later today for an hour or so. For some reason my mind is going crazy. I need to burn cals and I need to keep focused on my goal. I don't know what is causing this restlessness in me. It worries me a bit because it causes me to lose sleep and makes me want to cut. This itch just under the surface makes it almost unbearable.

Can you spell "success?"

I managed to keep myself almost completely pure this whole last week while in Nevada. My family never noticed me not eat. All I had to do was take two or three bites of whatever was on the table during dinner. I ran every morning and stayed busy during the day. I even lost 4 pounds! 113 pounds now! 15 more pounds to go!

Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm going to fast and run every morning. Before the trip, I was getting kinda lazy and only running a couple days a week. Not anymore. I'm so close, I'm gonna work my ass off for this!

Ooook.. soo I wrote another poem. Sorry but being the crazy person I am, I have to post it :P

I have no name for it yet and its kinda short but oh well. I may even add to it. I'm not quite sure yet though.


Watch out for another breakdown
As you put on your fake crown
Staring at me with your mocking smile
As I sit down and cry a while
I never wanted it to get this far
I left myself open for you to mar
Now I stand alive but broken
With these words left unspoken

Who Says You Can't Win?

I did very well today, I made myself a cup of popcorn. No butter or salt. It was only 35 calories. I also had 2 cans of diet Dr Pepper.

Tomorrow I go on my Nevada trip with the family. I'm really worried that I will ruin everything on this trip. I may not be able to do the 2468 like I want to but I will eat as little as I can and exercise as much as I can. I know I can at least lose a couple pounds on this trip. I'm going to put my goal at 7 pounds. I think I can do that. I'm going to stay as positive as possible.

Boys, boys, boys...

I'm hungry so I need a distraction, which is why I am posting again tonight ha ha. This isn't so much a "food problem" post as much as an "Idiot Boy Problem/I Am So Stupid" post. Ok sooo... I guess Kevin and I are sort of a thing... in a way? I mean we have sex and go on dates. We talk and text every day,we even tell each other we love each other. so we kind of have a thing, obviously, but I'm pretty sure he is going around behind my back and sleeping with other girls.

so...Bret wants to hang out with me when I get back, which surprises me. Last I checked, he didn't want anything to do with me. But he sent me a text saying that he missed me and wants to hang out as soon as we can. I said I would but I'm just not sure if I really should... I mean, would Kevin get mad? I really want to hang out with Bret though, I can't stop thinking about him. I love Kevin, I'm almost certain of that, but something about Bret... I just don't know. So since Kevin is possibly sleeping with other girls, is it wrong for me to want to hang out with Bret... even possibly hope for something to happen?

He is going to be gone next year anyways, so why not? I mean, he just said "hang out" it isn't like we are planning to have sex or anything... even though, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't really mind too much.

I think I will hang out with him... I'll work on losing weight while in Nevada, of course. If something happens then something happens. I'm just going to let things take its course. Hell, it might just be an innocent thing. You know, two friends catching up before parting ways again. Ugh, I just have a huge problem with over thinking things. That is probably all it is. I keep thinking he wants more than what he says but I am probably totally wrong.

Did Well Today

All I ate today was an apple, I split it up into 5 parts. One part for breakfast, one for lunch, one for a snack, one for dinner and one for dessert. My stomach feels amazingly empty. I am going to be eating 400 calories tomorrow.

I'm going to Nevada in a couple days. I'm going to be there for about a week with a bunch of family. I don't know how I'm going to do this without someone noticing my eating habits... Can I feign being ill for a whole week? Somehow I seriously doubt it. I'm just gonna have to work out a ridiculous amount whenever I have alone time... which will probably be when everyone is sleeping.... ugh. This is going to be a very long week.

The surface may be still...

It has been way too long since I have been able to get on here. My family has been monitoring everything, they thought I was on drugs because I have been "distant and quiet." Funny how they finally take notice to me and they still have it all wrong.

I'm now 117 pounds... it is absolutely disgusting. I have managed to get my family off my back though. I told them the usual lies: "I have just been busy and stressed" "Not feeling well" "have a lot on my mind right now." I could be a fucking actress with how well I can talk my way out of situations like that. Of course, it isn't all me... my family just tends to be ignorant and uncaring. They are willing to take any excuse as long as things are kept under wraps and away from the ears of outsiders.

Now that I have pacified the family, I am gonna be working on losing weight again. I'll have to go about it more carefully but I can do it. I know I can.

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

It has been a while since I have posted. I have been doing well. I have been eating less than 300 calories a day lately. I have no appetite. Absolutely no urge to eat or anything. It is kind of nice... not really worrying about food. I just go about my day, keeping busy and keeping my mind on all things but food. It is really helping me to stay on track.

I have been feeling slightly blah but otherwise ok. I have lost weight again, I'm now at 105 again. I hope I stay that way, or continue to lose. Definitely want to continue to lose. I want to be that 98 pounds. I believe I can do it if I continue with this. Exercising for a few hours a day really helps.

Some things I have been doing to burn calories and resist food:
1) When watching tv, I do jumping jacks during commercials.
2) When I do feel hungry I leave the house and go for a walk.
3) I constantly have gum with me, at all times.
4) Write my weight on my hand to remind myself what I need to lose.
5)Dance around in my room :P





P.S. I know the title has nothing to do with my post :p I just like the quote

Still, it continues

Got a new plan that I am going to start on Sunday. I'm going to do the 2468 diet, starting with 200 cals on Sunday, 400 on Monday, 600 on Tuesday and 800 on Thursday, then fast on Friday. I'll start it all over again and do three cycles of it. I'm a little worried about eating 800 calories and might tweak that to 600 or something.

I'm sort of out of my insane, mental, sad mode. I don't know for how long but its nice to feel something other then what I have been lately. I think the whole breakdown I had was much needed or something. All I know is I don't want it coming back so I'm gonna be working not only on my body but also on my mind, if that makes any sense. I can't really explain at the moment, I don't even know entirely what I mean but once I do, I'll be sure to document it here.

Trying to breath again

I cry even as I type. When will this end? Its always the same. Either I'm filled with self loathing and disgust, sadness, anger, depression, all directed towards myself.. Or I feel nothing at all. Just this all consuming nothing, which makes me want to cut and hurt myself more. I can't stop, no matter how hard I try. I have no one to turn to. There is Kevin, as I have mentioned in other posts but he is high as fuck right now and probably wouldn't give a shit about me anyways. Who could?

I'm such a fucked up mess. And apparently fuck is the word of the night... I'm sorry, for all the cussing. I'm just so sick of crying. This pain and sadness, this nothingness. Yet, I can't make it stop. No matter how hard I try. I'm really alone. Despite my allusions of friends and Kevin. I can never really turn to them like I need to. There is only the readers of this blog, and that helps...more than I thought it would. It doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do but writing this stuff down keeps me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.

What can I say

I'm doing well...I think. I haven't eaten in a few days... ended up eating a yogurt today but that is all. I haven't had much time to get on here. Haven't had any time to myself and that is driving me insane.. I need time to myself.

I had a major breakdown on Friday... ended up cutting myself AT MY COLLEGE! I always keep a knife with me just as a sort of odd comfort thing but I never really intended to use it. I'm a sick person, I know. But I had to do it... I got that itching feeling under the skin again.

I don't even know what set me off in the first place. I just felt this all consuming emptiness again and I needed to cut...

The sun shines never the less

Well, I have managed to fast all day today and I think i am going to fast all day tomorrow too. I need to get all this guilt out of me. I really think I can fast, I won't be seeing my boyfriend so he won't be pushing me to shove fat down my throat. My parents don't give a shit. My dad is too high and my step mom works too much. My brothers don't pay attention. Sometimes I'm thankful for a dysfunctional family, as fucked up as that sounds.

I cut last night, pretty deep cuts, they are going to take forever to heal. I can't let Kevin see them, he would kill me. Or break up with me again. I love him but I can't see this working out unless I get better. I'm such a burden to him, he says I'm not but I know I am. He gets so pissed when i cut.

But that doesn't really matter too much right now. I managed to fast and I'm going to continue tomorrow. I'm just going to try to take this one day at a time rather than planning for a whole week. Tomorrow I will plan my intake and exercise for the next day and so on. I hope I can manage to be less of a failure.

Ugh

I'm such a fat fuck! I have eaten so much! I can't even stick to what I want! I had to break and eat those damn chips! And of course that lead to more food... I ate 1,236 calories!!!! Can you believe it! I ended up crying my eyes out because of it. I hate myself. I can't even type about it without feeling intense self loathing.

Finally, I can smile

I have been doing very well so far. I have managed to work out at least an hour a day, doing core workouts as well as thighs, glutes and arms. I would do an hour of some thigh or core workout (I usually use one of those tacky 90's workout videos because they are funny and make me laugh and, lets face it, its so hard to find something that makes me smile anymore) then I go on the bike for half an hour, sometimes more if i feel the need. Things seem to finally be working out.

I have also been eating a piece of toast or yogurt every morning... well almost every morning because it can get the metabolism started for the day. Then I stick to 300-500 cals after that. It seems to be working well, though I admit, I haven't weighed myself yet... I'm kind of terrified to. I will soon though. I wish I could type more, but I have a lot to do. stay strong :)

I need this, I need this more than anything

How could I have let myself get this way? When did I start to get fat and ugly? When did I start this whole self destructive thing I have been doing for the past three years now? Am I really psycho and insane?

It gets so confusing... I want to be normal so much. I don't want to care about what I eat, how many calories something has or what days I will restrict and how much exercise I will get. But no matter how much I want to be normal... I want to be thin more. I need to be thin. I have known this life for far too long and the thought of anything different is just so terrifying.

I need to lose weight, I need to be thin and beautiful in order to have any self worth. And I WILL be skinny! I am going to work day and night for it! I can't be a fat lard ass for the rest of y life and I know I have the strength and the ability to get to 98 pounds and I fully intend to do that! I have been losing focus and I can't allow that to happen. I will have to work twice as hard.

Loving you is harder than you know

Why must I always be such a fuck up? I have been bingeing non-stop for days. Kevin is leading me on and I am letting him. He says he isn't sure if he wants to date me but we act like we are dating when nobody else is around. He texts and talks about other girls all the time, knowing that it makes me jealous. I have a feeling he is using me... well more than just a feeling but I can't help but want to be with him. It has always been him. Even when I talked about Bret, Anthony and Cody. I just had to try and forget him, so I threw myself at other guys.

I just hope he won't leave me. I couldn't stand that. I have already been cutting and bingeing like crazy. I'm not happy and I can't change it unless I'm with Kevin... he makes me feel whole. I actually feel so happy with him. I know, in the long run this is just going to completely destroy me but I'm not willing to stop it.

Hate is such a strong word, love is too but we have no problem throwing that word about

I can't stop hating myself. I keep thinking of all my mistakes. I used to be able to find at least one redeeming quality, yet now, all I see are mistakes. I see things I could have done better, things I could have said, should have said. Things I shouldn't have done or said at all.

I carpool up with Kevin everyday for my classes... I see him often and I rely on him more than I ever care to admit. I know he will never be with me again and I couldn't ever deserve it anyways. I was so selfish and stupid. Clingy and more than a little too trusting. I keep trying to forget about him but how can I forget about someone I see on a daily basis? Of course I need to stop being such a whore, meaning no more fucking him, no more texting or flirting. From now on, I will refuse to think of him as often as I have been lately. I will try to forget about him as I have been trying to for the past few months.

And to top it off I fucking BINGED!!! I'm a fat, disgusting whore! Ugh, I gross myself out. I don't deserve the love I tend to go on about so often in this rather whiny blog. I disgust myself.

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more

I suppose I am smarter than I originally thought. I didn't do anything with Cody. I am ignoring him completely. He never liked me enough to really want anything but sex from me. Besides, I'm still stuck on Bret.. and maybe a bit on Kevin if truth be told.

I just wish I could meet someone who loved me for me. Who could take the ugly along with the few good things. Who am I kidding, though? How can I expect anyone to love me for me when I am too afraid to be myself around anyone... I mean the last time I was with someone who knew everything about me was Kevin and look how that ended. I'm too afraid to open up to anyone and even if I did, whose to say he will stay? There are suitors of course, but none that I can see myself with. Bret was one I might have been able to be with but now he keeps a safe but friendly distance. I can't say I blame him, I mean it's me. Doesn't stop me from being hurt by it, no matter how much I try to ignore it and act like its ok.

I just wish I could find someone who wasn't just in it for sex.. I mean, I know I can be promiscuous, but that's usually when I feel like complete shit about myself or when I really like the guy. I think that's why i liked Bret so much, he never tried to have sex with me, he seemed to genuinely like my company, apparently not enough, though.

Now, Kevin is texting me, asking to send him naked pictures. Why is it that when I get rid of one guy, another one comes along and the one I want seems to want nothing to do with me? Ugh, things are always so irritatingly complicated. I don't even know why I bother.Things would be so much easier if I were dead, but I can never bring myself to do it. No matter how much I starve or cut. Well, I feel pretty crappy, luckily my text buddy and I are doing a three day liquid fast. It is just what I need to start feeling a little better about myself. I need to get to my ultimate goal weight soon!

Everything is just fucked up and messy

Again, I have failed.

Again, I have thrown all propriety out the window.

Who is it this time? Cody.

I have known him since my freshmen year in high school. He never paid any attention to me until my senior year when I was actually losing and looking pretty well. I refused him sometimes, other times I thought it would be fun. Now, here I am again. I run into him at the store, he texts me and we continue texting. He asks me to hang out, I say yes.

So, on Wednesday, I will be at his house at 5 pm. I will be in his bed no later than 6 pm. And will I do anything to stop this from happening? Will I come to my senses and realize that I don't need to do this? Of course not. I will carry on because deep down, I know that I want to, I know that it is what I have to do because I won't feel any other way.

Despite the potential problems I will inevitably cause, I intend to fuck him. I also intend to stay at his house on Friday and get completely drunk. Why? Because I am an idiot. Because I don't care anymore. Because it is all I am worth and I realize this now. Guys use me for sex and I allow them to because I know it's all I'm good for, it's what I deserve.

Haven't said much about my ED, have I? Well I attempted to fast today, I was forced to eat because of my family. I intend to fast tomorrow and go for a long run. I haven't been able to run lately, things have been so crazy and I think that is one of the reasons I am so antsy and definitely a contributing factor to my fat ass. I NEED to get THIN.

As for Brexton? I have given up hope. How could I ever think that he could possibly like me? How could I ever believe that he would want such a fat whore? I was an idiot for even trying to find the love I read about in my books. It clearly doesn't exist for me. My only hope is that I don't get attached to Cody after sex with him. I tend to do that sometimes and it just turns around and screws me up even more.

Well, with any luck, I will turn into a cold, heartless bitch; fucking who she pleases and not giving a damn about what other people think. But that's just it, isn't it? I do give a damn. I can't do something without caring what other people think. It doesn't matter who it is, my opinion of myself depends on the opinions of others. It's part of my ana. It is what it is and I can't just stop.

Why is it so unattainable?

All I want is a little peace. Can't I just be left alone? I have turned my cell phone off, the incessant ringing and vibrating was driving me further into chaos. Nosy people trying to get into my business. People too fed up with their own lives, looking for more drama. They are like blood sucking parasites when it comes to this gossiping shit.

I had the house to myself most of the day, blasted Three Days Grace and read most of the time. I'm trying to keep my mind off of recent events, I can't think about them and so I can't have silence. I read to escape. How can I escape with my "friends" coming to see whats going on though?
Once I get rid of one person, another shows up. Now that I'm the group's whore, I'm suddenly more interesting.. Something to judge and talk about. Somebody to be two faced and bitchy to. UGH! I just want it all to end!

My Horizontal Life (If you get the chance, read the book, its funny)

This is so crazy, I am such an idiot. Want to know what I did last night? Well, even if you don't, I'm going to tell you anyways. I had sex with my ex boyfriend, Kevin. Twice. After going on a date with Bret (his name is now deemed Brexton for my amusement). Can you say "WHORE?" I guess this is a good time to mention I actually managed to get things right with Brexton and he was sympathetic and understanding. Then I screw it up again.

Well, the date with Brexton was a complete bust anyways. The movie we were going to see, ended up being shown at a later time and neither of us wanted to watch it that late, so we went to get smoothies instead. Things seemed to be going pretty smooth despite my nervousness, then half an hour into it, he abruptly stands up and says he has to go. Without any other explanation, he walks away. Haven't heard from him since.

I was feeling pretty insecure, my hopes were high for this date and I felt completely let down. I'm almost certain he lost interest in me. I felt so ugly and unattractive, not to mention, stupid. I was ditched in a city that I didn't even live in (we live in different towns about half an hour apart from each other) with no ride back home. He was going to give me a ride. So, with no one else to turn to, I call my ex who comes and gives me a ride. we stop by his house because I had stuff of mine there that I wanted back. Well he grabbed me and kissed me, I pushed him away but he was a bit persistent and I admit, I wasn't completely against it.

I have this irritating thing where I need attention to feel good about myself, especially guy attention. If I don't have a guy that gives me attention, I feel even worse about myself than usual. So now, for punishment, I have decided to fast from today all the way to Monday and I hate to admit it, but I have been cutting myself in punishment as well. I deserve it.

Well, to explain my title, the book, My Horizontal Life is an amusing book by Chelsea Handler. Its about this woman who has a ton of one night stands with a ton of different guys. I feel like the crazy psycho version of her. She was smarter, however. SHE didn't fuck people she actually knew! It causes waaay less drama when you have sex with random strangers. Too bad I'm too freaked out to do that. I think I'm just going to try to cut guys out of my life for a while. I'm done, with all the drama they cause... now lets see if I can actually stick with that.

Wrong! Wrong!! WRONG!!!

No wonder Bret wants nothing to do with me now! I'm such a FAT FUCKING WHORE! I screw everything up, I don't think and I binge like a freaking COW!!! What happened yesterday? I wake up, cram for my psych final, get a text from a friend of mine saying we should hang out. He's a good friend so I think, "No, problem, sounds fun." I meet him at his dorm, we are playing games and joking around.

Then he kisses me.
I kiss back.
He leads me to his room, we continue from there...
I had sex with him... I just can't believe it...
I don't get home until around 9 pm.
Angry at myself and at him, I cut.

fast forward to today: That friend of mine seems to think it's a great idea to tell everyone possible what happened the day before. He is so repulsive to me today, I really cannot believe I allowed myself to get into this sort of position. Of course, it wouldn't be a proper mess without Bret hearing something about it and I'm sure he did because he refuses to talk to me. He barely even looks at me... I have tried calling him twice today and left a couple text messages. He just won't answer. I'm just going to have to try to talk to him tomorrow and if he refuses then I suppose I'll have to wait for him to want to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I fucked up any chance I may have had with him.
So, my mind a wreck, stressed about all the drama as well as finals. I eat, not just eat but freaking stuff my face. I had pizza, 3 SLICES! I had 4 breakfast bars, a candy bar and a freaking cookie (one of those vegan ones that are, like, 300 calories).

And then I cut... I cut a lot last night and tonight... That guy (ugh, I can't even say his name) just made me feel so terrible about myself. I feel like complete and total crap. We were good friends and I let this happen.... I should have stopped it. He's been trying to get me back to his dorm all day today. I, of course refuse, especially after he told me that he has been trying to get into my pants since the day we met.

Whatever happened to MANNERS? What ever happened to chivalry!? Is there any sort of decent guy out there that isn't a character in a book. I mean, look at Mr. Darcy, from Pride and Prejudice. He is THE perfect guy. Honest, dashing, kind and romantic. He's every girl's wet dream! That guy has been my fantasy dream date ever since I have read the book when I was 13. I have yet to meet a guy half as decent. I know, I'm raving on about some character from a book that was written over 200 years ago, I really must be psycho. I just can't help it! I mean, all guys ever seem to want now is sex. Bret seemed to be different but I screwed that one up. I really never meant to be such a whore.

I'm not against one night stands or casual sex but a little romance never hurt anyone, right? It's just so out of character for me to be having random sex with a friend. And the one time I decide, "what the hell," I end up messing everything up, as usual. Sorry for the immense rant, Ineededto let it out and what better way than through a blog?

Getting back on the band waggon

After a complete mess of binging and laziness, I have started a new regimen/competition with one of my good ana text buddies. I am no longer binging, have more motivation than ever and I have even lost weight! Tomorrow my plan is to eat only up to 300 calories (maybe less) as well as work out for 2 hours. I cannot wait. Today all I had was a breakfast bar (120 calories). I also ran for an hour. Hope you are all doing good :) Stay strong!

I warned you...

I wrote a few more poems.. They are kind of sad but I like them.

All Consuming

I can feel the darkness creeping inside
These sad emotions I try to hide
I fake a laugh, a little smile
Keeping the pain inside a little file
I can't stand the silence, hate to be alone
The pain consumes me, cuts to the bone
There is a storm inside, chaos in my head
As these thoughts persist, I almost wish to be dead
The feeling subsides, my eyes no longer full of tears
I try to forget, try to let go of my fears
I try not to think, try to get rid of all the pain
But the tears start again
I begin to realize that I cannot win
The darkness consumes me and I cave in


This Flower

This flower, once blooming
Now stands dead and wilting
The snow has come, the garden is barren
This flower, a dull reminder,
A dead reflection of what has been
Winter has forever settled, the garden gone
This flower, dead and wilting
Is all that's left

I have a few more but I want to tweek them and make sure they are completely finished before I post them on here.

Long time, no see

It feels like forever since I have posted. I guess I haven't really been feeling up to it for some reason. Nothing really new has come up, though to be honest. I'm still a fat cow who eats too much and doesn't exercise enough. My mind is still full of chaos. But I am making progress in the ways of my emotions, yesterday I laughed, a real laugh. It felt so odd, but it was nice. Its been so long since I have laughed like that. I was with Bret and we were just chatting, it was a nice sunny day and I was just in a great mood. I hope I can feel like that more often.
I have started to run every morning and night. It feels great and I hope it will make a difference. Well I hope you all are well and I do intend to start posting more often. As always stay strong and we can all get through this together. :)

Beauty, Pain and Pleasure... What's A Girl to Do?

I have been running my conversations with Bret over and over in my mind, his mannerisms, his tone of voice... his looks. Ugh, I want him. I have been starving myself like crazy just so I can look halfway decent for him. I have raised my hopes so much for this guy and I am so sure they will be dashed. Smashed to pieces on the floor.

Once again, I find myself slipping. My sanity going slowly. Slipping. I know what my "friends" say about me. They think I'm nothing but a whore. They have no idea what happened with Kevin and they hear all the rumors about me sleeping with some guy or other. I don't think Bret has heard them, luckily he doesn't hang around the same crowd as I do.

My self esteem is getting even worse. I find myself unable to sleep at night because all I think about is how empty my stomach is, how weak and ugly I am. It has gotten so bad lately that I have been taking Hydrocodone pills (two to be exact..) and three sleeping pills along with a sip or two of alcohol. I know it sounds terrible but I can't feel even remotely sorry for it. It makes me feel numb and I'm ok with it... Oddly, I am ok with feeling numb as long as it is self induced. I don't have much time so this is another short post. I will be sure to post more as soon as I have time.

107!!!!!!

Thaaat's right! I made it back down to 107. I'm 9 pounds away from my UGW!! I am so excited about this! I will finally look perfect for Bret. Skinny, like I always imagine myself to be.

Speaking of Bret... oi vey... Well I have no idea how to let Kevin down. He has hurt me pretty badly, cheating on me and ignoring me for so long. Finally when I am ready to move on, he tries to suck me back in. He claims to love me more than anything, tells me he needs me. And though he has hurt me, I am afraid to hurt him.

Then there is Bret... tall, funny, intelligent Bret. I like him so much. We have been texting every night, talking everyday. He really seems to like me, I am amazed. I just hope this all works out. I really want to be more than friends with Bret. I'm just a little closer to getting him.... a few more pounds and I WILL have him. Wow, just listen to me. I sound like a psycho... But 107! I'm so happy!

"You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too"

Well, as you know, I had a tutoring session with Bret today. Nothing of interest happened. We studied for about 20 minutes and I was too nervous and stupid to think of anything funny or witty.

It doesn't matter though, tonight we have been texting since 11:30 pm and it is now 1:40 am. But before I get ahead of myself, let me tell you about earlier today...

Well, I was feeling a little dejected and more than a little upset about my idiocy at expecting anything with Bret during our tutor session. Kevin came along and I thought "hey, he still wants me. Why not him?" So I slept with him. I felt so dirty, though. Like, I wanted to cry during the whole thing. I just felt worse about myself.

And then I got a forward, of course I send it to Bret (any chance to talk to him). He texted back, playfully flirting back and forth. Turns out he does like me! And I like him (obviously). He wants me to really think about this before jumping into a relationship right away. He knows mine and Kevin's history and he says he doesn't want me to regret anything. So, that is what I am going to do. I can't really think rationally at the moment... I'm a little tipsy and I am still extremely happy that he likes me.

"Love is a Battlefield"

Ha ha I know what a lame title but I couldn't help my self. That was my cheesy side peeking out. Aaaanyways... Well... I have 6 guys on my plate, apparently. Kevin is telling me he wants me back, this guy named Buster (a total hottie but also a complete ass) keeps texting me and says I should have sex with him, then this guy, Carlos, is trying to get me to do stuff with him, And then a guy named Matt won't leave me alone and Cody is trying to get with me too and the only one I really want to pay attention to or have attention paid to me by is Bret.

What is it that these guys see?! Are they so desperate to have sex that they will take any fat lump of shit?! They are so annoying! I'm ignoring all but Bret. He is the only decent one, he askes me questions about myself and speaks of things that are actually relevant. He is so mature. Those other guys can't even compete with him, he is on a waaay higher level than them and I am determined to have him. Despite this ugly fat body I am cursed with, I will have him.

We were chatting with each other for like three hours tonight. It makes me feel good. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that he might like me but its so hard when it seems like he might... I just hope I don't blow whatever this is by doing something stupid.

Update... Oh Boy

Me and Kevin broke up.. not hat I didn't see it coming but doesn't mean I'm still not hurting about it. But, I guess I didn't exactly stop it from happening. I mean... I kinda told him my feelings about Bret and turns out I shouldn't have felt guilty about only having feeling for him. Kevin wound up cheating on me multiple times. Of course I cried and walked out on him. We haven't spoken to each other since. Buuut, I do have a tutor session with Bret tomorrow. I'm quite nervous.

We have been messaging back and forth on facebook and now we have each other's phone numbers so we have been texting as well. He makes me so nervous. And I really like him.

In other news, my mother is out of the hospital and making progress. My dad will be visiting on sunday. I also had a good day, only had 500 calories. Well I don't have much time today to type much but I will definitely let you know what happens with Bret tomorrow... I feel kind of pathetic. I keep expecting something to happen tomorrow when really, its likely nothing will happen at all.

Not too shabby

Well today I had,
1 low fat yogurt (160 cals)
2 breakfast bar (280 cals)
1/2 cup of hamburger helper minus the hamburger (100 cals)
1 low fat chocolate bar (40 cals)
today's total intake: 580 calories It was a good day.

My mother is still in the hospital, my dad in rehab and here I am again. Watching my brothers, being ignored by my boyfriend and getting texted by the guy I'm beginning to like more than I really should. Hmm...

Things I Want to do Before I Kick the Bucket

1) Go to Greece
2) Beat someone at a game of chess
3) Cage dive
4) Pet a dolphin
5) Visit all the continents
6) Stand on both sides of the equator
7) Stand on the four corners
8) Get a tattoo
9) Take a road trip to Maine
10) Scuba dive in the great barrier reef
11) Make a difference in someone's life
12) Meet a few of my favorite bands
13) Read all seven of Jane Austen's books
14)Learn the Thriller dance ha ha
15) Be in a mosh pit
16) Learn at least three different languages
17) Meet my goal weight by February 28th and maintain it

Lets start a riot

I'm so sick of crying! I'm so sick of being let down and feeling worthless! Why do I do this to myself?! Because I need it! I need to be perfect! I need to be beautiful! Things will start to get better, I have to believe that. I need to stop writing such depressing posts and be more positive. I need to continue trying no matter how shitty things are. I can do this! And for anyone out there feeling kicked around and worthless, you're not! You ARE worth something and you can get through anything! You are strong and beautiful and don't let anyone else tell you different! We will win because we have to! Reading Ophelia's blog made me realize that I need to be more positive. That I can stay strong. And if I can then so can you! So hang in there. I love my little group of followers :)

"Well I Wish You Were as Good as You at Caring and Trusting"

My mom tried to commit suicide.. I found her on the floor in the bathroom. I had to call the ambulance and they pumped her stomach. I'm so shaken right now. I feel terrible. I just feel like I keep getting kicked while already on the ground. I'm just failing at everything. I have to be strong for everyone. I have been crying almost every time I find myself alone. I don't know how to make things better. I'm so lost.

I'm trying though, that has to count for something right? I mean, I'm not going to give up. As much as I think about just giving up and cutting deep enough to kill doesn't mean I will. My family needs me and I could never do that to them. I may lie and sneak but I would never leave them like that. It is such a selfish act. That is why I'm so mad at my mom. How could she do that to us?

I will find a way to fix my family though. My dad is already in rehab.. that's a step forward. My mom will get help to.. she has to. I have to fix this. I'm the only one who can.

"Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels..."

Do you have any idea how often I repeat this to myself non-stop, all the time.Instead of having a "proper" breakfast or lunch, I had a low fat yogurt for each meal. You would think I would be miserable in my hunger but being the freak I am, I enjoy it! I love the emptiness and the feeling of being light. I'm perfectly happy being hungry and starving myself. I don't understand what's wrong with me! Why would anyone want this?

I have a friend who I am beginning to despise because she is saying that she is anorexic. She eats like one meal a day, one time and decides she wants to be anorexic "just to lose this baby fat." Her exact words. It makes me so mad!! Who does that shit?! I'm sorry for the cussing but, you can't just DECIDE to be anorexic to lose weight. It doesn't work like that! She just makes me feel so angry because she uses it as a way to get more attention!! There is a lot more to it than just losing weight. There is guilt, sadness, the self abuse... I mean I don't think she even knows what anorexia is. She doesn't see it as a disease. I went to her house yesterday and she had like 3 pieces of cake to herself, laughs and says "I can stop being anorexic for a little while." It just makes me so mad!!

well...

I was planning on fasting today but I ended up cooking dinner for the family. I couldn't help it, I had to eat something. So I had a fat free yogurt (140 calories) and thats it. I think its alright though. I played my DDR for an hour or so and burned 300 calories :) Tomorrow is sunday and I'm going to have to focus all my energies on studying for my bio test. I also have an essay to write and as my list clearly states, I need to finish my homework, whether or not I care about the grades. I care for my sanity and I believe if I don't do something about this whole not feeling thing, I'm afraid of what I will do to myself.

lalalalala

Well here I am again. 1 am and still unable to sleep. I find it doesn't bug me half as much as it used to. This is the time my mind winds up doing its most interesting ramblings. I just can't seem to turn it off. I even got a burst of energy and danced randomly to 4 or 5 of Lady Gaga's songs... I'm usually not into that kind of music but I like her ha ha.. It did burn calories however and made me feel a little more like myself. More than I have in days. I really do need to remember to stop and enjoy the little things... even if it is dancing randomly at 1 in the morning. I even went out for a walk and sat on the beach for a little by myself. It is the most peaceful place to be. Hearing the waves, seeing the moon, having your toes in the sand. I love it. I prefer it at night, nobody is ever there and it can really put things into perspective for a person. I'm rambling.. but I can't sleep and I need something to do. I promise to add a couple pics of thinspo so its not a complete waste of your time to read this post :)

Well my dad is still in rehab, he doesn't seem to want to talk to me though. I try to call or text and he always gets off right away. Could it be guilt? Is he really just too busy? Or is he trying to move away from me and the rest of the family? I can't help but continue worrying about it. I don't want him to revert back to where he was before.

I'm also slightly worried that Kevin might be cheating.. There is this girl in his sculpture class that he claims to hate but he brings her up so often.. He trash talks her but he used to do that to another girl that used to hang out with our group of friends and he ended up cheating on me with her. This new girl, he says she hits on him all the time, he calls her disgusting, but she is really pretty and skinny, she is the model he is supposed to be sculpting.. and today he let slip that he texted her. Only to tell her that he can't make it to tutor her in sculpting but...still... how did he get her number? I'm probably being really paranoid and stupid but we didn't fight or anything until he started mentioning her. I don't really knoe what to think so I'm sort of on my toes with that.

In other news, I think I did ok today food wise. I'm going to fast tomorrow, I can't wait. I really
can't wait to feel that empty feeling. Ok done with the ramblings, here is that thinspo I promised.

"But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on"

Ok, So I realize my last few posts have been kind of dark and sad and all... so while I was in bed last night trying to get to sleep, a thought entered my little brain. I guess you could call it an epiphany. Anyways, I realized that I don't have to continue feeling this way. I can change it. I have been feeling empty and so morose lately and that is not what I want to continue because it is just throwing everything off. I have compiled a list of things that will (hopefully) make things better and make me feel better.

1) Try something new everyday. Can be a big or small thing
2) Only aloud 500-600 cals a day
3) Exercise at least once a day for at least half an hour
4) Read a little bit everyday
5) Finish all homework on time
6) Avoid arguments with the boyfriend and try to work things out
7) Keep busy and do things whether I feel like it or not.
8) Try to smile and laugh like I used to


Well... its not a very long list but if anyone reading this has any suggestions, don't hesitate to share :) I can always use a second opinion on things.

"If the clouds opened up and started pouring rain, it would be easier that way"

I have been slipping more and more, not just in my ED but in everything. My friends, my relationship, my eating habits, my work, school. It is all just getting worse and worse. I find myself unable to care. I haven't been on Skinnydoll in so long. Today was the first time on the site and I find I have nothing to say to anyone no matter how much I want to say something. Everything is turning into this irrelevant blur that I am separate from. People continue going about their lives and I continue to go into somewhere else, inside myself and rot from the inside out. I used to stop every once and a little while, to take everything in and enjoy the little things that few seemed to notice. Now I just go about my business in this sort of robot trance, not even caring anymore. I used to have ideas, imagination. I used to laugh and smile for real. i used to enjoy going outside in the sun or dancing in the rain and now I sit inside looking out at the cloudy dark weather or the sunlit yard and brood. I can't stand being around people anymore. I really hope this changes soon because I'm going insane. I feel like I'm completely losing myself and I don't know how to stop it.

Ramblings of an Eighteen Year Old Nothing

Looking in the mirror, all alone
This knife in her hand,
Sliding down almost to the bone

Thoughts racing through her mind
They don't see her suffer
They all turn their heads, blind

Memories cut deeper than that knife
Things she can't forget
She cuts again, hoping to end her life

The pain sets in, the tears start to fall
She falls to the ground
She crawls out into the hall

Those memories still stuck in her head
She lays down and starts to cry
unmoving, wishing to be dead

Many hours later, she gets to her feet
still there in that hall
Her heart still pounding its beat

She is ready to face the day with a smile
Laughing and talking
With those cuts still there all the while



Ok, so i am not much of a poet but I tend to write poems every now and then. I get lines in my head and I have to write them down or I go crazy. It just happens. I really like this one though, so I had to share. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think, on any poems I put up here.

Binge Binge BINGE!!!

Ugh, its true. I failed miserably today...
burger
fries
pizza
I had to eat normal because I wasn't left alone for one second. I was with my friend all day and she would have thought it was weird that I didn't eat anything... I could have said no to the fries at least though...

I shouldn't be making excuses for myself. Now my stomach is disgustingly full and I can't even exercise because my mom doesn't work tonight and I would end up being up all night anyways with all the homework that I have yet to do.

Some good news though. My dad is going into rehab as an in patient for three months. He is making an effort to get better and though I am still mad and upset at him, I still love him and am glad he is finally trying to turn himself around. Its sad to see a grown man cry, however. Broke my heart when he started crying and telling me what a fuck up he has been to me and my brothers. Made me feel bad for all the times I have thought the exact same thing about him. What makes matters harder is that I know exactly how he feels when it comes to being a complete fuck up... I guess I'm not too different from my dad. We both have addictions. Both quite destructive. If I really begin to think about it, it makes me feel bad that I have hated him for his addiction, his lying and his distance when I am doing exactly the same thing. It also kind of makes sense though, I hate myself for what I put everyone through (though they don't know I have an ed its the same deceitfulness) so naturally I guess I would hate him as well as understand him in ways. He reminds me of myself... or I remind myself of him in a sense. Ana is my choice of drug. Meth is his. I envy the fact that he is strong enough to try and turn away from his addiction. I couldn't imagine life without striving to be perfect, without my ed... I don't know how it would be. I feel I need it. I want to get help but I can't and don't want to. I want to be skinny. Thats a disorder for you of course. Nobody says it has to make sense.

Restless

Well, I have managed to go through a three day fast successfully. Being in classes helps me stay busy. It also means little thought for anything else. My grades have slipped meaning I have to work three times harder to keep them up otherwise they will take away my financial aid, meaning I will have to pay it all on my own. I can't do that. Plus the added stress that my dad is here makes it that much worse, he keeps asking me to forgive him and I don't know what to say. So I say nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm not even sure if I want to forgive him to be honest. Its not like he has actually been a father to me anyways. I'm hurt and angry at him but he continues to do meth. I just feel like I'm drowning again and I hate that feeling more than anything. I have been so busy that I haven't been able to post in a few days let alone even concentrate on anything other than school, work and Kevin.

Kevin seems to be the only one who cares and yet, even he has been acting different. He talks about how pretty so and so is or how hot that girl is and they are all skinnier than me. It gives me more motivation but it also kinda makes me feel like crap. I know I'm not worth enough to be with him and when he mentions the other girls it makes me feel like he wants to be with one of them rather than with me. He deserves to be and I just fear that maybe he is beginning to realize that. If he is, I don't know what I will do without him. I need him, I lean on him so much. But with all my messes, I feel he shouldn't have to be put through that either. Just today he had to literally make me get out of bed and face the day because I felt like I couldn't do it. If I lose him, I don't think I will be able to function even semi-normally.

He says he loves me, though. He says he won't ever leave me, so I need to trust him and put my fears aside. I think it is just my exhausted and barely functional brain making a big deal out of something that isn't even going on.

I just need sleep.
ah sleep...
I need that so badly, how nice it would be to have a dreamless sleep.
But my nightmares persist.

There are two that I have most often, on is about me laying in bed with a cup cake just out of reach on the bed side table. As I reach for it I get fatter and fatter but I still try to reach for the cup cake. I begin choking on my own fat and that's when I wake up.
Another is, me just completely alone in the woods. Its dark and raining and I am freezing. The whole dream I am wandering around, terrified.
I hate those dreams so much.

Day by Day

I am doing a lot better now than when I was when I wrote my last post. I managed not to cut, though I still feel the need. I want to thank Ophelia for her kind comment as well. It was nice to view it as fighting rather than failing.

He is proud of me. He is happy and that is all that really matters. I must be perfect for him and the fact that I have managed this long without cutting makes me feel a little more optimistic. I also have been doing well with my control, only 300 calories today. I am really hoping to keep it up. I feel I can do it as long as I keep trying. I want to be perfect for him. I have been keeping busy with classes and chores and such. I just don't want to slip back into that dark place, where I was when I wrote that last post. It was the hardest thing in the world to keep from cutting but the thought of letting him down is just something I can't bare.

I feel I have to admit something. Something that I have been denying, even to myself, for months. Mostly because I feel guilty and slightly ashamed. His name is Bret. I have feelings for him and I know I shouldn't. I think that is causing a lot of confusion. I mean, I know I love Kevin. He means the world to me and that will never change. But I find myself randomly thinking of Bret and I feel guilty. I fall entirely too easy... but this is the first time since being with Kevin and I have been with him for almost 4 years now. I find myself thinking "I wonder if Bret will enjoy talking to me more once I am thinner" or "When I'm skinny, I won't feel self conscious around Bret anymore." Then I realize what I just thought and I feel so horrible. I shouldn't be thinking about Bret when Kevin has done so much for me. I know I don't deserve him and this makes me even more unworthy of him. Then there are times when I think how refreshing it is to have a new crush, someone new to desire. There are times when I think "it will pass, I shouldn't worry about it." So I think freely of him for a while... until I get a call or text from Kevin and feel that familiar twinge of guilt. I know it must pass, though...

Gosh, I meant this blog to be strictly about my ED and maybe occasionally about me trying to stop cutting, but now it seems to have turned into some sort of online diary... I'm sorry if you read all of my ramblings. So here is some thinspo. Enjoy :)

Help me survive here

I can feel my self slipping even further. Reverting back to the failure that I am. My hips itching to feel the scissors' blade, to punish me for being so selfish, for hurting everyone around me and for being weak. I feel like my careful control is going to be lost if I don't cut and I can't have that. There is nothing I want more than to see the blood, to have the blade slide across my skin right now.

I can't have that though. I am trying so hard not to cut again. He hates it. He will begin to hate me for it. My body wont be beautiful if I have scars all over. I need to keep reminding myself of this.. repeat it over and over. I should sleep.. sleep is becoming my best friend. I have been finding it easier to sleep, sleeping pills tend to help. I love the deep dreamless sleep I get sometimes. I am so blissfully unaware, unfeeling. And being wrapped up in his arms make it that much more amazing.

But I am failing him. Every hour it feels as if the urge to cut gets stronger. I'm sinking, I can feel it. Any time now and I will break down completely and I will go straight for my hidden scissors. I won't know what else to do. Then I will go to him, ashamed and broken. He will try to clean up my mess again and I will see the pain in his face, the anger in his eyes. I will feel so ashamed of myself.. so terribly ashamed and he will try to comfort me as if I deserve it... I don't want to do this to him again. I can't do this to him again.

Site you need to check out

Looking for motivation? How about support? Well skinnydoll is a great site for it all. honestly, it is as good as PT, I am personally a member and I think its an amazing site. So check it out! I think you will really enjoy it. Be warned, it is ED related so the site can't be held accountable for any triggers it may cause.

New Year, New Weight

I don't know what it is but I have actually been gaining quite a bit of weight... I went from 105 to 112 pounds. How the F*** did I do that!? I need to get back on track somehow... I don't understand how I could have gained so much weight!? I gained 7 pounds just randomly?! I bet its cause I have been having sort of a binge fest off and on these past two days... shit. Well its going to change. By the end of this month, I'm going to be back down to 105 pounds and by the end of February, I am going to be down to 98 pounds. I'm just glad PT isn't frozen anymore. That site helps me out so much. I don't know what I would do without it.

It is a new year and I believe I can get to my ultimate goal weight. Once my classes begin again, I will be able to put my mind on that and it will be easier to stay away from food and keep my mind focused on other things rather than eating. I will be gone all the time and away from my kitchen...

I'm trying to stay positive but I can feel myself slipping... back to the hateful words and curses my mind saves just for me... back to my dark place. Back to the cuts and back to my scissors, hidden away in my make up box. My careful control has been broken and the whispers in my head tell me I need to be punished. I can't though... it hurts him too much... I know it kills Kevin when he sees a fresh cut on my hip. I can't keep doing this to him. I have no choice but to lose the weight.. I have to stay focused on that. I need to continue ignoring those whispers, maybe one day I can go as far as throwing those scissors away forever and never cut again.. One day, when I am thin and beautiful. But until then... I'll keep them. I'm not strong enough to get rid of them yet. I'm too selfish.