Still, it continues

Got a new plan that I am going to start on Sunday. I'm going to do the 2468 diet, starting with 200 cals on Sunday, 400 on Monday, 600 on Tuesday and 800 on Thursday, then fast on Friday. I'll start it all over again and do three cycles of it. I'm a little worried about eating 800 calories and might tweak that to 600 or something.

I'm sort of out of my insane, mental, sad mode. I don't know for how long but its nice to feel something other then what I have been lately. I think the whole breakdown I had was much needed or something. All I know is I don't want it coming back so I'm gonna be working not only on my body but also on my mind, if that makes any sense. I can't really explain at the moment, I don't even know entirely what I mean but once I do, I'll be sure to document it here.

Trying to breath again

I cry even as I type. When will this end? Its always the same. Either I'm filled with self loathing and disgust, sadness, anger, depression, all directed towards myself.. Or I feel nothing at all. Just this all consuming nothing, which makes me want to cut and hurt myself more. I can't stop, no matter how hard I try. I have no one to turn to. There is Kevin, as I have mentioned in other posts but he is high as fuck right now and probably wouldn't give a shit about me anyways. Who could?

I'm such a fucked up mess. And apparently fuck is the word of the night... I'm sorry, for all the cussing. I'm just so sick of crying. This pain and sadness, this nothingness. Yet, I can't make it stop. No matter how hard I try. I'm really alone. Despite my allusions of friends and Kevin. I can never really turn to them like I need to. There is only the readers of this blog, and that helps...more than I thought it would. It doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do but writing this stuff down keeps me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.

What can I say

I'm doing well...I think. I haven't eaten in a few days... ended up eating a yogurt today but that is all. I haven't had much time to get on here. Haven't had any time to myself and that is driving me insane.. I need time to myself.

I had a major breakdown on Friday... ended up cutting myself AT MY COLLEGE! I always keep a knife with me just as a sort of odd comfort thing but I never really intended to use it. I'm a sick person, I know. But I had to do it... I got that itching feeling under the skin again.

I don't even know what set me off in the first place. I just felt this all consuming emptiness again and I needed to cut...

The sun shines never the less

Well, I have managed to fast all day today and I think i am going to fast all day tomorrow too. I need to get all this guilt out of me. I really think I can fast, I won't be seeing my boyfriend so he won't be pushing me to shove fat down my throat. My parents don't give a shit. My dad is too high and my step mom works too much. My brothers don't pay attention. Sometimes I'm thankful for a dysfunctional family, as fucked up as that sounds.

I cut last night, pretty deep cuts, they are going to take forever to heal. I can't let Kevin see them, he would kill me. Or break up with me again. I love him but I can't see this working out unless I get better. I'm such a burden to him, he says I'm not but I know I am. He gets so pissed when i cut.

But that doesn't really matter too much right now. I managed to fast and I'm going to continue tomorrow. I'm just going to try to take this one day at a time rather than planning for a whole week. Tomorrow I will plan my intake and exercise for the next day and so on. I hope I can manage to be less of a failure.

Ugh

I'm such a fat fuck! I have eaten so much! I can't even stick to what I want! I had to break and eat those damn chips! And of course that lead to more food... I ate 1,236 calories!!!! Can you believe it! I ended up crying my eyes out because of it. I hate myself. I can't even type about it without feeling intense self loathing.