Exhausted. Had a hard time getting out of bed today but I'm up and I weighed myself. I have let myself go quite a bit since my boyfriend was here and I have to hide this shit from him. The day he left I was a disgusting 127 pounds. It's been about a week and I am at a slightly less disgusting 122.2 pounds. I weighed myself and today can be a happy day since it is a pound lower than yesterday. I want to reach 115 by my birthday which is on the 12th of this month. Not sure how realistic that is but I have lost at a good steady pace so far. I just hope I can keep it up. Willpower. That's all I need. I need willpower and so far I have that. I will be visiting my boyfriend next month too. I'll have to do all the exercising and restricting I can before I visit. I want to be skinnier for him. I want him to see how beautiful I can be if I just work hard enough at it. I want to look in the mirror and be satisfied with what I see and not scramble through my purse looking for the thing that will make me perfect only to find nothing. I want to enjoy walking out somewhere and not worry about the way my ass looks in my jeans or whether other people notice my huge thighs and ugly upper arms. I want to be comfortable with myself. Confident enough to wear what I think is cute and good looking rather than just wearing what I think hides the most of me. Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant but I needed to get it out I suppose.

Day One Down

Well day one is over with. I did well. Drank water all day and had work/PT distract me from eating. I am confident I can keep this up tomorrow too. The only thing I hate is the headaches I get from not eating. Pain releiver doesn't seem to help at all. I do enjoy the feeling of my empty stomach though. I like the hunger pains. It lets me know I'm still in control. I don't know if I can stay in control, however. My birthday is a week away and I don't know what my friends have planned. I'm hoping I can just get "sick" and avoid eting too much. Right now there isn't too much to report, I'll post again tomorrow. Time to read :) I'm on the second book of the Lord of the Rings series... I'm such a nerd.

Damn

I haven't been on here at all. I have really been wanting to write but it's hard with my boyfriend hovering around all the time. He is no longer suspicious and he is hours away going to school so I have the time and privacy to write again. Lets see... where to start. I have been doing fairly well with dieting since the boyfriend left. I'm going to start a liquid diet tomorrow. I'm starting off slow and going for two days as it has been a while since I have done anything of the sort. It should be easy. I have two jobs now so I can forget all about food on the job as I am busy most of the day.... It's the night that I am worried about. I always seem hungrier at night and its so hard to stay busy when your trying to wind down. Some nights I don't even sleep. It seems to be getting more frequent too. I had a nightmare about eating last night. There was a banquet on this table and no matter how much I ate, food kept reappearing. I couldn't stop eating and as I ate I got fatter and fatter. Ugh it was so terrible!