Exhausted. Had a hard time getting out of bed today but I'm up and I weighed myself. I have let myself go quite a bit since my boyfriend was here and I have to hide this shit from him. The day he left I was a disgusting 127 pounds. It's been about a week and I am at a slightly less disgusting 122.2 pounds. I weighed myself and today can be a happy day since it is a pound lower than yesterday. I want to reach 115 by my birthday which is on the 12th of this month. Not sure how realistic that is but I have lost at a good steady pace so far. I just hope I can keep it up. Willpower. That's all I need. I need willpower and so far I have that. I will be visiting my boyfriend next month too. I'll have to do all the exercising and restricting I can before I visit. I want to be skinnier for him. I want him to see how beautiful I can be if I just work hard enough at it. I want to look in the mirror and be satisfied with what I see and not scramble through my purse looking for the thing that will make me perfect only to find nothing. I want to enjoy walking out somewhere and not worry about the way my ass looks in my jeans or whether other people notice my huge thighs and ugly upper arms. I want to be comfortable with myself. Confident enough to wear what I think is cute and good looking rather than just wearing what I think hides the most of me. Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant but I needed to get it out I suppose.

Day One Down

Well day one is over with. I did well. Drank water all day and had work/PT distract me from eating. I am confident I can keep this up tomorrow too. The only thing I hate is the headaches I get from not eating. Pain releiver doesn't seem to help at all. I do enjoy the feeling of my empty stomach though. I like the hunger pains. It lets me know I'm still in control. I don't know if I can stay in control, however. My birthday is a week away and I don't know what my friends have planned. I'm hoping I can just get "sick" and avoid eting too much. Right now there isn't too much to report, I'll post again tomorrow. Time to read :) I'm on the second book of the Lord of the Rings series... I'm such a nerd.

Damn

I haven't been on here at all. I have really been wanting to write but it's hard with my boyfriend hovering around all the time. He is no longer suspicious and he is hours away going to school so I have the time and privacy to write again. Lets see... where to start. I have been doing fairly well with dieting since the boyfriend left. I'm going to start a liquid diet tomorrow. I'm starting off slow and going for two days as it has been a while since I have done anything of the sort. It should be easy. I have two jobs now so I can forget all about food on the job as I am busy most of the day.... It's the night that I am worried about. I always seem hungrier at night and its so hard to stay busy when your trying to wind down. Some nights I don't even sleep. It seems to be getting more frequent too. I had a nightmare about eating last night. There was a banquet on this table and no matter how much I ate, food kept reappearing. I couldn't stop eating and as I ate I got fatter and fatter. Ugh it was so terrible!

Oh the joys of living without family!

Went grocery shopping yesterday. Of course I had a roommate with me but he's a guy, he never pays attention to what I eat (or don't eat). Neither of them do, they are rarely ever home so I just dirty up a plate and put it in the sink and I'm good to go. Guess I should call this post the joys of living with guys instead buuut that might give the wrong impression :p





Anyways, I got to get everything that would keep me from bingeing too badly. I mean, yes, I did get a lot of food for the guys too but I never eat it cause I always feel guilty for eating their stuff. Which is really good, it keeps me on track. I got low fat yogurt, those special K bars (strawberry, my favorite!) and I know candy isn't the best for you buuut I couldn't resist. I got fruit roll ups but surprisingly they are only 50 cals so if I get a sweet tooth, one of those works wonders and I never feel the need to lose control and eat the whole pack. So I'm really excited about staying on track. I also got the usual apples, bananas, celery, salad and the like





I got the yogurt so I can stop my fast slowly. I seem to be doing good so far. I do have a little concern about ruining this fast too soon with all the new food in the house but I'm still feeling strong. I just hope I can keep it up.

Going strong

So I have now gone two days without eating and I actually feel really good about it. I mean, I'm exhausted and have all the normal symptoms you get with starvation, but I'm doing really well. I know I was trying to do the ABC but I feel so strong right now. I want to see how many days I can fast. I'm going to try for a week. The ABC will be more like a rough guidline if I start feeling weak and think I might fail.



Its almost three in the morning... you would think I would be dead asleep right now... not so much. I know my body wants to sleep and I think if I lay there long enough I might actually sleep but as of right now, I really don't want to go to bed. Not really sure why. Might be because I have been drinking water and diet soda like none other so I have to get up and go to the bathroom every five minutes. I'm doing good though and I'm really proud of myself, I haven't been able to fast in a while. I'm finally getting back to my old groove.



Here is a completely unrelated picture:

So far...

I feel like complete and utter shit right now. Just a series of events in the past two days have put me in the worst of moods. I'm making today a fast day. I can't stand the idea of having to eat today. I really just want to curl up into a ball and cry. They aren't even big things that set me off. Just a bunch of little things all strung together.

He left yesterday. That is the big one... was in a bad mood from the start once I had to say good bye. My friend broke up with her ass hole boyfriend so I had to spend all day cheering her up and I wouldn't have minded otherwise, I was just not in the mood to listen to it. Listening to her complain about it all day put me in an even worse mood. Especially knowing that she will just take him back, anyways. Regardless of how bad he treats her. Probably makes me a bad friend I'm sure. Writing all these things about her but I need to vent.

I also lost my bank card so I couldn't cash a check that I desperately needed as the banks were closed and I was trying to use an ATM. Wash machines in my apartment complex only take bank cards, as I only moved here recently, I didn't know that and had 5 dollars worth of quarters ready. So I have next to nothing to wear.

I know, I'm whining but this new year so far is crap. If this is how its going to be all year I'm ready to just crawl into bed and wait for the next year to come. Everything else is going ok, I suppose. I just have to wait until tomorrow to do everything I need to get done. Whatever... happy new years everyone. Hope yours is going better than mine!

Day one

Ok technically day two considering the time but thats besides the point. I have decided to do the ABC diet. What better day to start than the first of the month? Did well. Ate my 400 calories with ease, went for a run earlier today and walked all around town because my car is broken down and its the only way to get around in this Hell of a town. Oh well, I burned plenty of calories I'm sure. I know I'll be sore in the morning. I worked out like crazy this morning.

Hmm... I will be visiting that wonderful boyfriend of mine in about a month and a half.. I wonder how much I can lose by then. Hopefully enough to make me happy for the time being. Or at the very least, a manageable weight. I don't want to be all fat and self conscious when I see him and I think I have put on some weight these past few weeks. Apparently the scale I was using doesn't even work... I'm 115!!!! I'm a fucking cow.

It is changing though. I will not stand for this. I'm going to the store on monday to buy a few things, a new scale is at the top of my list. Diet soda, fruit and veggies will also be high on my list of course. I need to be at least 100 when I see him. I can lose 15 pounds in a month and a half, right? I mean, if need be I can add a few more fast days to my ABC diet and exercise a little more. Who knows. I'll get it figured out though. I'll go crazy otherwise. All I know is I need to get the fat off fast.