Everything is just fucked up and messy

Again, I have failed.

Again, I have thrown all propriety out the window.

Who is it this time? Cody.

I have known him since my freshmen year in high school. He never paid any attention to me until my senior year when I was actually losing and looking pretty well. I refused him sometimes, other times I thought it would be fun. Now, here I am again. I run into him at the store, he texts me and we continue texting. He asks me to hang out, I say yes.

So, on Wednesday, I will be at his house at 5 pm. I will be in his bed no later than 6 pm. And will I do anything to stop this from happening? Will I come to my senses and realize that I don't need to do this? Of course not. I will carry on because deep down, I know that I want to, I know that it is what I have to do because I won't feel any other way.

Despite the potential problems I will inevitably cause, I intend to fuck him. I also intend to stay at his house on Friday and get completely drunk. Why? Because I am an idiot. Because I don't care anymore. Because it is all I am worth and I realize this now. Guys use me for sex and I allow them to because I know it's all I'm good for, it's what I deserve.

Haven't said much about my ED, have I? Well I attempted to fast today, I was forced to eat because of my family. I intend to fast tomorrow and go for a long run. I haven't been able to run lately, things have been so crazy and I think that is one of the reasons I am so antsy and definitely a contributing factor to my fat ass. I NEED to get THIN.

As for Brexton? I have given up hope. How could I ever think that he could possibly like me? How could I ever believe that he would want such a fat whore? I was an idiot for even trying to find the love I read about in my books. It clearly doesn't exist for me. My only hope is that I don't get attached to Cody after sex with him. I tend to do that sometimes and it just turns around and screws me up even more.

Well, with any luck, I will turn into a cold, heartless bitch; fucking who she pleases and not giving a damn about what other people think. But that's just it, isn't it? I do give a damn. I can't do something without caring what other people think. It doesn't matter who it is, my opinion of myself depends on the opinions of others. It's part of my ana. It is what it is and I can't just stop.

Why is it so unattainable?

All I want is a little peace. Can't I just be left alone? I have turned my cell phone off, the incessant ringing and vibrating was driving me further into chaos. Nosy people trying to get into my business. People too fed up with their own lives, looking for more drama. They are like blood sucking parasites when it comes to this gossiping shit.

I had the house to myself most of the day, blasted Three Days Grace and read most of the time. I'm trying to keep my mind off of recent events, I can't think about them and so I can't have silence. I read to escape. How can I escape with my "friends" coming to see whats going on though?
Once I get rid of one person, another shows up. Now that I'm the group's whore, I'm suddenly more interesting.. Something to judge and talk about. Somebody to be two faced and bitchy to. UGH! I just want it all to end!

My Horizontal Life (If you get the chance, read the book, its funny)

This is so crazy, I am such an idiot. Want to know what I did last night? Well, even if you don't, I'm going to tell you anyways. I had sex with my ex boyfriend, Kevin. Twice. After going on a date with Bret (his name is now deemed Brexton for my amusement). Can you say "WHORE?" I guess this is a good time to mention I actually managed to get things right with Brexton and he was sympathetic and understanding. Then I screw it up again.

Well, the date with Brexton was a complete bust anyways. The movie we were going to see, ended up being shown at a later time and neither of us wanted to watch it that late, so we went to get smoothies instead. Things seemed to be going pretty smooth despite my nervousness, then half an hour into it, he abruptly stands up and says he has to go. Without any other explanation, he walks away. Haven't heard from him since.

I was feeling pretty insecure, my hopes were high for this date and I felt completely let down. I'm almost certain he lost interest in me. I felt so ugly and unattractive, not to mention, stupid. I was ditched in a city that I didn't even live in (we live in different towns about half an hour apart from each other) with no ride back home. He was going to give me a ride. So, with no one else to turn to, I call my ex who comes and gives me a ride. we stop by his house because I had stuff of mine there that I wanted back. Well he grabbed me and kissed me, I pushed him away but he was a bit persistent and I admit, I wasn't completely against it.

I have this irritating thing where I need attention to feel good about myself, especially guy attention. If I don't have a guy that gives me attention, I feel even worse about myself than usual. So now, for punishment, I have decided to fast from today all the way to Monday and I hate to admit it, but I have been cutting myself in punishment as well. I deserve it.

Well, to explain my title, the book, My Horizontal Life is an amusing book by Chelsea Handler. Its about this woman who has a ton of one night stands with a ton of different guys. I feel like the crazy psycho version of her. She was smarter, however. SHE didn't fuck people she actually knew! It causes waaay less drama when you have sex with random strangers. Too bad I'm too freaked out to do that. I think I'm just going to try to cut guys out of my life for a while. I'm done, with all the drama they cause... now lets see if I can actually stick with that.

Wrong! Wrong!! WRONG!!!

No wonder Bret wants nothing to do with me now! I'm such a FAT FUCKING WHORE! I screw everything up, I don't think and I binge like a freaking COW!!! What happened yesterday? I wake up, cram for my psych final, get a text from a friend of mine saying we should hang out. He's a good friend so I think, "No, problem, sounds fun." I meet him at his dorm, we are playing games and joking around.

Then he kisses me.
I kiss back.
He leads me to his room, we continue from there...
I had sex with him... I just can't believe it...
I don't get home until around 9 pm.
Angry at myself and at him, I cut.

fast forward to today: That friend of mine seems to think it's a great idea to tell everyone possible what happened the day before. He is so repulsive to me today, I really cannot believe I allowed myself to get into this sort of position. Of course, it wouldn't be a proper mess without Bret hearing something about it and I'm sure he did because he refuses to talk to me. He barely even looks at me... I have tried calling him twice today and left a couple text messages. He just won't answer. I'm just going to have to try to talk to him tomorrow and if he refuses then I suppose I'll have to wait for him to want to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I fucked up any chance I may have had with him.
So, my mind a wreck, stressed about all the drama as well as finals. I eat, not just eat but freaking stuff my face. I had pizza, 3 SLICES! I had 4 breakfast bars, a candy bar and a freaking cookie (one of those vegan ones that are, like, 300 calories).

And then I cut... I cut a lot last night and tonight... That guy (ugh, I can't even say his name) just made me feel so terrible about myself. I feel like complete and total crap. We were good friends and I let this happen.... I should have stopped it. He's been trying to get me back to his dorm all day today. I, of course refuse, especially after he told me that he has been trying to get into my pants since the day we met.

Whatever happened to MANNERS? What ever happened to chivalry!? Is there any sort of decent guy out there that isn't a character in a book. I mean, look at Mr. Darcy, from Pride and Prejudice. He is THE perfect guy. Honest, dashing, kind and romantic. He's every girl's wet dream! That guy has been my fantasy dream date ever since I have read the book when I was 13. I have yet to meet a guy half as decent. I know, I'm raving on about some character from a book that was written over 200 years ago, I really must be psycho. I just can't help it! I mean, all guys ever seem to want now is sex. Bret seemed to be different but I screwed that one up. I really never meant to be such a whore.

I'm not against one night stands or casual sex but a little romance never hurt anyone, right? It's just so out of character for me to be having random sex with a friend. And the one time I decide, "what the hell," I end up messing everything up, as usual. Sorry for the immense rant, Ineededto let it out and what better way than through a blog?

Getting back on the band waggon

After a complete mess of binging and laziness, I have started a new regimen/competition with one of my good ana text buddies. I am no longer binging, have more motivation than ever and I have even lost weight! Tomorrow my plan is to eat only up to 300 calories (maybe less) as well as work out for 2 hours. I cannot wait. Today all I had was a breakfast bar (120 calories). I also ran for an hour. Hope you are all doing good :) Stay strong!

I warned you...

I wrote a few more poems.. They are kind of sad but I like them.

All Consuming

I can feel the darkness creeping inside
These sad emotions I try to hide
I fake a laugh, a little smile
Keeping the pain inside a little file
I can't stand the silence, hate to be alone
The pain consumes me, cuts to the bone
There is a storm inside, chaos in my head
As these thoughts persist, I almost wish to be dead
The feeling subsides, my eyes no longer full of tears
I try to forget, try to let go of my fears
I try not to think, try to get rid of all the pain
But the tears start again
I begin to realize that I cannot win
The darkness consumes me and I cave in


This Flower

This flower, once blooming
Now stands dead and wilting
The snow has come, the garden is barren
This flower, a dull reminder,
A dead reflection of what has been
Winter has forever settled, the garden gone
This flower, dead and wilting
Is all that's left

I have a few more but I want to tweek them and make sure they are completely finished before I post them on here.

Long time, no see

It feels like forever since I have posted. I guess I haven't really been feeling up to it for some reason. Nothing really new has come up, though to be honest. I'm still a fat cow who eats too much and doesn't exercise enough. My mind is still full of chaos. But I am making progress in the ways of my emotions, yesterday I laughed, a real laugh. It felt so odd, but it was nice. Its been so long since I have laughed like that. I was with Bret and we were just chatting, it was a nice sunny day and I was just in a great mood. I hope I can feel like that more often.
I have started to run every morning and night. It feels great and I hope it will make a difference. Well I hope you all are well and I do intend to start posting more often. As always stay strong and we can all get through this together. :)