Holiday is finally over

So glad its all over with. I managed to get by eating a bare minimum and even had a little fun. The only problm is that My boyfriend saw PT in my history... naturally curious, he opened it and saw what it was. I ended up lying and pretending not to know anything about it. I even told him it was probably a site one of my friends went on when they borrowed my lap top.

I feel so bad for lying to him but I couldn't tell him. I'm just not ready. He believed it but now makes fun of me for being anorexic or bulimic. Thats pretty hurtful and makes me pretty upset. I told him it wasn't funny and that my friend could have a serious problem. He stopped thank goodness.

Other than that small little bump, my holiday went fairly well. Hope it all went ok for you as well!

I'm Hungry

So, naturally, I post. Christmas eve tomorrow... woo. I just got done decorating the tree we got at least a week ago... Sorry to bore you all but I have a terrible feeling that this is going to be a rambling post. Something to keep me from entering the kitchen. I'm feeling fairly strong at the moment. Maybe if I go to take a shower. Lets see, if I plan my night, I won't have to worry so much about what may happen. I don't know why but having a plan always makes me feel a bit more in control and less worried that I will fail.

So after this post I will take a shower. Then go onto PT or some other site for a while. Talk to my boyfriend. Listen to music. Exercise! Read, write. Basically anything to distract me.

What a disgusting being I am... Starving myself. For what? Beauty, happiness? I know its crazy but I actually believe I will be happier skinnier. Even though I know once I get to my goal weight, I will just set another one. Lower and lower until someone realizes what is going on and stuffs me into a ward so they can stuff me with calories. Or am I hoping to just fade away in general? Be so thin, I literally disappear. How lovely would that be?

I can't be so lucky, though. I'm too selfish. I believe that things will somehow get better.

In a way, I suppose they have... I'm so happy when I'm with my boyfriend and I live just to feel that emotion. Oblivious to sadness. It goes somewhere deep in my mind. Doesn't show its face until I am alone. Occasionally, I see a glimpse of it when food is around or when my mind wonders to something that hurts me and then he talks and it hides again.

I hope this lasts.

I don't want to fuck this up like so many other things.

I'm so afraid of losing him. I do everything I can to make him as happy as he makes me. I'm so terrified, I know I'm not good enough for him. I'm so broken, I know I deserve such happiness as he gives me. But dammit, I'm going to keep him as long as I can. I have never felt such dependance on someone. I feel absolutely ridiculous writing about it but the words I write are so true. I really have fallen hard for this guy...

Christmas Dinner

Ham, turkey, mashed potatoes and all the like. Ah Christmas dinner is upon us.

I am not looking forward to this dinner at all. I will be spending it with my boyfriend and his family so of course they will be having me try all the dishes at the table. I will be expected to eat. I know laxatives aren't safe but I do intend to use them, I will try to use any excuse I can to eat as little as possible as well. The fail safe excuse "I don't feel very well" will probably do just fine. I haven't used it with him yet so I'm sure it will suffice.

I despise holidays, not just for the whole "I'm anorexic and I have to eat to make sure people aren't suspicious" but also for the whole "put on a good show so people don't see how sad and dysfunctional you really are" thing. I mean, it is a little less stressful now that family isn't around, I guess. It douesn't help that they want nothing to do with me anymore however.

I don't think I have explained the whole family hating me situation on here. I told my mother that I was planning on spending christmas with the boyfriend and my mom bought me a plane ticket anyways hoping to guilt trip me into going to see her. It worked, I was on my way to the airport when the tire blew out. When I was able to call my mom and let her know what happened, she was furious. She told me I was lying and that I was just looking for an excuse to stay off that plane and waste her money. Sh now refuses to talk to me and went as far as to shut my phone off, even telling my family that I am a terrible backstabber. 'Tis the season.

So here is a question for the readers: What are your plans for this lovely holiday?

Back again

Boy how many times have I said that now? Oh well, I am here posting again. Things are going quite well for the most part. I have an apartment now with.. Kevin and another friend of ours. I know awkward right? Considering he is my ex, but I needed a permanent place to stay and this way O have that. My jobis within walking distance now and I'm not the only one paying rent.

How does my boyfriend feel about this? I wouldn't have moved in if he minded. He seems to be completely ok with it. Even when I asked him if he was ok with it he said "why should it matter? You are in a stable place now and thats all that counts." He really cares for me and I can actually trust him! I feel so happy with him, so different than when I am aone. He is here for a few weeks now so I won't feel as lonely as I do when he is gone. I love it when he is here, that dark non-feelingness stays at bay when he is with me.

I still haven't told him about my ana problem, I'm still not ready. I have been failing a bit with that since he has come back to town though... I mean I haven't gained anything but I'm not losing either and thats what is killing me. I hate that. I boosted up my exercise though and am restricting some more. WIsh me luck, lots of love!