I suppose I am smarter than I originally thought. I didn't do anything with Cody. I am ignoring him completely. He never liked me enough to really want anything but sex from me. Besides, I'm still stuck on Bret.. and maybe a bit on Kevin if truth be told.
I just wish I could meet someone who loved me for me. Who could take the ugly along with the few good things. Who am I kidding, though? How can I expect anyone to love me for me when I am too afraid to be myself around anyone... I mean the last time I was with someone who knew everything about me was Kevin and look how that ended. I'm too afraid to open up to anyone and even if I did, whose to say he will stay? There are suitors of course, but none that I can see myself with. Bret was one I might have been able to be with but now he keeps a safe but friendly distance. I can't say I blame him, I mean it's me. Doesn't stop me from being hurt by it, no matter how much I try to ignore it and act like its ok.
I just wish I could find someone who wasn't just in it for sex.. I mean, I know I can be promiscuous, but that's usually when I feel like complete shit about myself or when I really like the guy. I think that's why i liked Bret so much, he never tried to have sex with me, he seemed to genuinely like my company, apparently not enough, though.
Now, Kevin is texting me, asking to send him naked pictures. Why is it that when I get rid of one guy, another one comes along and the one I want seems to want nothing to do with me? Ugh, things are always so irritatingly complicated. I don't even know why I bother.Things would be so much easier if I were dead, but I can never bring myself to do it. No matter how much I starve or cut. Well, I feel pretty crappy, luckily my text buddy and I are doing a three day liquid fast. It is just what I need to start feeling a little better about myself. I need to get to my ultimate goal weight soon!
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