How could I have let myself get this way? When did I start to get fat and ugly? When did I start this whole self destructive thing I have been doing for the past three years now? Am I really psycho and insane?
It gets so confusing... I want to be normal so much. I don't want to care about what I eat, how many calories something has or what days I will restrict and how much exercise I will get. But no matter how much I want to be normal... I want to be thin more. I need to be thin. I have known this life for far too long and the thought of anything different is just so terrifying.
I need to lose weight, I need to be thin and beautiful in order to have any self worth. And I WILL be skinny! I am going to work day and night for it! I can't be a fat lard ass for the rest of y life and I know I have the strength and the ability to get to 98 pounds and I fully intend to do that! I have been losing focus and I can't allow that to happen. I will have to work twice as hard.
I hear your words and I understand how you feel. Anything is possible if you work hard enough, but pace yourself and be good to your body, don't push yourself too hard, too fast x x x
ReplyDeleteI really understand what you feel.I keep thinking like this too, but then I'll watch thinspos and everything seems right again.
ReplyDelete^^