I have been running my conversations with Bret over and over in my mind, his mannerisms, his tone of voice... his looks. Ugh, I want him. I have been starving myself like crazy just so I can look halfway decent for him. I have raised my hopes so much for this guy and I am so sure they will be dashed. Smashed to pieces on the floor.
Once again, I find myself slipping. My sanity going slowly. Slipping. I know what my "friends" say about me. They think I'm nothing but a whore. They have no idea what happened with Kevin and they hear all the rumors about me sleeping with some guy or other. I don't think Bret has heard them, luckily he doesn't hang around the same crowd as I do.
My self esteem is getting even worse. I find myself unable to sleep at night because all I think about is how empty my stomach is, how weak and ugly I am. It has gotten so bad lately that I have been taking Hydrocodone pills (two to be exact..) and three sleeping pills along with a sip or two of alcohol. I know it sounds terrible but I can't feel even remotely sorry for it. It makes me feel numb and I'm ok with it... Oddly, I am ok with feeling numb as long as it is self induced. I don't have much time so this is another short post. I will be sure to post more as soon as I have time.
I hate girls, they talk too much. :/
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who's been self-medicating and smoking pot to try and deal with her issues... The numb feeling will stop and then you'll just feel like shit some more..
Stay strong and wonderful sweetie. :]