Everything is just fucked up and messy

Again, I have failed.

Again, I have thrown all propriety out the window.

Who is it this time? Cody.

I have known him since my freshmen year in high school. He never paid any attention to me until my senior year when I was actually losing and looking pretty well. I refused him sometimes, other times I thought it would be fun. Now, here I am again. I run into him at the store, he texts me and we continue texting. He asks me to hang out, I say yes.

So, on Wednesday, I will be at his house at 5 pm. I will be in his bed no later than 6 pm. And will I do anything to stop this from happening? Will I come to my senses and realize that I don't need to do this? Of course not. I will carry on because deep down, I know that I want to, I know that it is what I have to do because I won't feel any other way.

Despite the potential problems I will inevitably cause, I intend to fuck him. I also intend to stay at his house on Friday and get completely drunk. Why? Because I am an idiot. Because I don't care anymore. Because it is all I am worth and I realize this now. Guys use me for sex and I allow them to because I know it's all I'm good for, it's what I deserve.

Haven't said much about my ED, have I? Well I attempted to fast today, I was forced to eat because of my family. I intend to fast tomorrow and go for a long run. I haven't been able to run lately, things have been so crazy and I think that is one of the reasons I am so antsy and definitely a contributing factor to my fat ass. I NEED to get THIN.

As for Brexton? I have given up hope. How could I ever think that he could possibly like me? How could I ever believe that he would want such a fat whore? I was an idiot for even trying to find the love I read about in my books. It clearly doesn't exist for me. My only hope is that I don't get attached to Cody after sex with him. I tend to do that sometimes and it just turns around and screws me up even more.

Well, with any luck, I will turn into a cold, heartless bitch; fucking who she pleases and not giving a damn about what other people think. But that's just it, isn't it? I do give a damn. I can't do something without caring what other people think. It doesn't matter who it is, my opinion of myself depends on the opinions of others. It's part of my ana. It is what it is and I can't just stop.