Wrong! Wrong!! WRONG!!!

No wonder Bret wants nothing to do with me now! I'm such a FAT FUCKING WHORE! I screw everything up, I don't think and I binge like a freaking COW!!! What happened yesterday? I wake up, cram for my psych final, get a text from a friend of mine saying we should hang out. He's a good friend so I think, "No, problem, sounds fun." I meet him at his dorm, we are playing games and joking around.

Then he kisses me.
I kiss back.
He leads me to his room, we continue from there...
I had sex with him... I just can't believe it...
I don't get home until around 9 pm.
Angry at myself and at him, I cut.

fast forward to today: That friend of mine seems to think it's a great idea to tell everyone possible what happened the day before. He is so repulsive to me today, I really cannot believe I allowed myself to get into this sort of position. Of course, it wouldn't be a proper mess without Bret hearing something about it and I'm sure he did because he refuses to talk to me. He barely even looks at me... I have tried calling him twice today and left a couple text messages. He just won't answer. I'm just going to have to try to talk to him tomorrow and if he refuses then I suppose I'll have to wait for him to want to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I fucked up any chance I may have had with him.
So, my mind a wreck, stressed about all the drama as well as finals. I eat, not just eat but freaking stuff my face. I had pizza, 3 SLICES! I had 4 breakfast bars, a candy bar and a freaking cookie (one of those vegan ones that are, like, 300 calories).

And then I cut... I cut a lot last night and tonight... That guy (ugh, I can't even say his name) just made me feel so terrible about myself. I feel like complete and total crap. We were good friends and I let this happen.... I should have stopped it. He's been trying to get me back to his dorm all day today. I, of course refuse, especially after he told me that he has been trying to get into my pants since the day we met.

Whatever happened to MANNERS? What ever happened to chivalry!? Is there any sort of decent guy out there that isn't a character in a book. I mean, look at Mr. Darcy, from Pride and Prejudice. He is THE perfect guy. Honest, dashing, kind and romantic. He's every girl's wet dream! That guy has been my fantasy dream date ever since I have read the book when I was 13. I have yet to meet a guy half as decent. I know, I'm raving on about some character from a book that was written over 200 years ago, I really must be psycho. I just can't help it! I mean, all guys ever seem to want now is sex. Bret seemed to be different but I screwed that one up. I really never meant to be such a whore.

I'm not against one night stands or casual sex but a little romance never hurt anyone, right? It's just so out of character for me to be having random sex with a friend. And the one time I decide, "what the hell," I end up messing everything up, as usual. Sorry for the immense rant, Ineededto let it out and what better way than through a blog?