Day by Day

I am doing a lot better now than when I was when I wrote my last post. I managed not to cut, though I still feel the need. I want to thank Ophelia for her kind comment as well. It was nice to view it as fighting rather than failing.

He is proud of me. He is happy and that is all that really matters. I must be perfect for him and the fact that I have managed this long without cutting makes me feel a little more optimistic. I also have been doing well with my control, only 300 calories today. I am really hoping to keep it up. I feel I can do it as long as I keep trying. I want to be perfect for him. I have been keeping busy with classes and chores and such. I just don't want to slip back into that dark place, where I was when I wrote that last post. It was the hardest thing in the world to keep from cutting but the thought of letting him down is just something I can't bare.

I feel I have to admit something. Something that I have been denying, even to myself, for months. Mostly because I feel guilty and slightly ashamed. His name is Bret. I have feelings for him and I know I shouldn't. I think that is causing a lot of confusion. I mean, I know I love Kevin. He means the world to me and that will never change. But I find myself randomly thinking of Bret and I feel guilty. I fall entirely too easy... but this is the first time since being with Kevin and I have been with him for almost 4 years now. I find myself thinking "I wonder if Bret will enjoy talking to me more once I am thinner" or "When I'm skinny, I won't feel self conscious around Bret anymore." Then I realize what I just thought and I feel so horrible. I shouldn't be thinking about Bret when Kevin has done so much for me. I know I don't deserve him and this makes me even more unworthy of him. Then there are times when I think how refreshing it is to have a new crush, someone new to desire. There are times when I think "it will pass, I shouldn't worry about it." So I think freely of him for a while... until I get a call or text from Kevin and feel that familiar twinge of guilt. I know it must pass, though...

Gosh, I meant this blog to be strictly about my ED and maybe occasionally about me trying to stop cutting, but now it seems to have turned into some sort of online diary... I'm sorry if you read all of my ramblings. So here is some thinspo. Enjoy :)