I don't know what it is but I have actually been gaining quite a bit of weight... I went from 105 to 112 pounds. How the F*** did I do that!? I need to get back on track somehow... I don't understand how I could have gained so much weight!? I gained 7 pounds just randomly?! I bet its cause I have been having sort of a binge fest off and on these past two days... shit. Well its going to change. By the end of this month, I'm going to be back down to 105 pounds and by the end of February, I am going to be down to 98 pounds. I'm just glad PT isn't frozen anymore. That site helps me out so much. I don't know what I would do without it.
It is a new year and I believe I can get to my ultimate goal weight. Once my classes begin again, I will be able to put my mind on that and it will be easier to stay away from food and keep my mind focused on other things rather than eating. I will be gone all the time and away from my kitchen...
I'm trying to stay positive but I can feel myself slipping... back to the hateful words and curses my mind saves just for me... back to my dark place. Back to the cuts and back to my scissors, hidden away in my make up box. My careful control has been broken and the whispers in my head tell me I need to be punished. I can't though... it hurts him too much... I know it kills Kevin when he sees a fresh cut on my hip. I can't keep doing this to him. I have no choice but to lose the weight.. I have to stay focused on that. I need to continue ignoring those whispers, maybe one day I can go as far as throwing those scissors away forever and never cut again.. One day, when I am thin and beautiful. But until then... I'll keep them. I'm not strong enough to get rid of them yet. I'm too selfish.
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