Binge Binge BINGE!!!

Ugh, its true. I failed miserably today...
burger
fries
pizza
I had to eat normal because I wasn't left alone for one second. I was with my friend all day and she would have thought it was weird that I didn't eat anything... I could have said no to the fries at least though...

I shouldn't be making excuses for myself. Now my stomach is disgustingly full and I can't even exercise because my mom doesn't work tonight and I would end up being up all night anyways with all the homework that I have yet to do.

Some good news though. My dad is going into rehab as an in patient for three months. He is making an effort to get better and though I am still mad and upset at him, I still love him and am glad he is finally trying to turn himself around. Its sad to see a grown man cry, however. Broke my heart when he started crying and telling me what a fuck up he has been to me and my brothers. Made me feel bad for all the times I have thought the exact same thing about him. What makes matters harder is that I know exactly how he feels when it comes to being a complete fuck up... I guess I'm not too different from my dad. We both have addictions. Both quite destructive. If I really begin to think about it, it makes me feel bad that I have hated him for his addiction, his lying and his distance when I am doing exactly the same thing. It also kind of makes sense though, I hate myself for what I put everyone through (though they don't know I have an ed its the same deceitfulness) so naturally I guess I would hate him as well as understand him in ways. He reminds me of myself... or I remind myself of him in a sense. Ana is my choice of drug. Meth is his. I envy the fact that he is strong enough to try and turn away from his addiction. I couldn't imagine life without striving to be perfect, without my ed... I don't know how it would be. I feel I need it. I want to get help but I can't and don't want to. I want to be skinny. Thats a disorder for you of course. Nobody says it has to make sense.