Help me survive here

I can feel my self slipping even further. Reverting back to the failure that I am. My hips itching to feel the scissors' blade, to punish me for being so selfish, for hurting everyone around me and for being weak. I feel like my careful control is going to be lost if I don't cut and I can't have that. There is nothing I want more than to see the blood, to have the blade slide across my skin right now.

I can't have that though. I am trying so hard not to cut again. He hates it. He will begin to hate me for it. My body wont be beautiful if I have scars all over. I need to keep reminding myself of this.. repeat it over and over. I should sleep.. sleep is becoming my best friend. I have been finding it easier to sleep, sleeping pills tend to help. I love the deep dreamless sleep I get sometimes. I am so blissfully unaware, unfeeling. And being wrapped up in his arms make it that much more amazing.

But I am failing him. Every hour it feels as if the urge to cut gets stronger. I'm sinking, I can feel it. Any time now and I will break down completely and I will go straight for my hidden scissors. I won't know what else to do. Then I will go to him, ashamed and broken. He will try to clean up my mess again and I will see the pain in his face, the anger in his eyes. I will feel so ashamed of myself.. so terribly ashamed and he will try to comfort me as if I deserve it... I don't want to do this to him again. I can't do this to him again.