Well, I have managed to go through a three day fast successfully. Being in classes helps me stay busy. It also means little thought for anything else. My grades have slipped meaning I have to work three times harder to keep them up otherwise they will take away my financial aid, meaning I will have to pay it all on my own. I can't do that. Plus the added stress that my dad is here makes it that much worse, he keeps asking me to forgive him and I don't know what to say. So I say nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm not even sure if I want to forgive him to be honest. Its not like he has actually been a father to me anyways. I'm hurt and angry at him but he continues to do meth. I just feel like I'm drowning again and I hate that feeling more than anything. I have been so busy that I haven't been able to post in a few days let alone even concentrate on anything other than school, work and Kevin.
Kevin seems to be the only one who cares and yet, even he has been acting different. He talks about how pretty so and so is or how hot that girl is and they are all skinnier than me. It gives me more motivation but it also kinda makes me feel like crap. I know I'm not worth enough to be with him and when he mentions the other girls it makes me feel like he wants to be with one of them rather than with me. He deserves to be and I just fear that maybe he is beginning to realize that. If he is, I don't know what I will do without him. I need him, I lean on him so much. But with all my messes, I feel he shouldn't have to be put through that either. Just today he had to literally make me get out of bed and face the day because I felt like I couldn't do it. If I lose him, I don't think I will be able to function even semi-normally.
He says he loves me, though. He says he won't ever leave me, so I need to trust him and put my fears aside. I think it is just my exhausted and barely functional brain making a big deal out of something that isn't even going on.
I just need sleep.
ah sleep...
I need that so badly, how nice it would be to have a dreamless sleep.
But my nightmares persist.
There are two that I have most often, on is about me laying in bed with a cup cake just out of reach on the bed side table. As I reach for it I get fatter and fatter but I still try to reach for the cup cake. I begin choking on my own fat and that's when I wake up.
Another is, me just completely alone in the woods. Its dark and raining and I am freezing. The whole dream I am wandering around, terrified.
I hate those dreams so much.
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